Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1390 (below this post) would like feedback on this version of her query.


Dear Evil Editor,

Eighteen-year-old Mea Gwen has all the tools to thrive in a 22nd-century society consumed by money, power, and virtual realities. Too bad she couldn’t care less. She would rather join America’s first Intragalactic Pioneer Program than stay on Earth, even if that means leaving her family’s multi-billion dollar tech company behind.

But before she can experience life among the stars, Mea’s kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of a popular VR game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to participate in a deadly competition, and winning is Mea’s only hope for survival. Determined to get back home, Mea promises to do whatever it takes to reach the number one spot.

As she’s pulled deeper into the game, Mea discovers that the Reformers are part of a political conspiracy to gain authoritarian control of America. Either she follows their rules to [possibly] save herself, or she risks her life stopping a plan that would break an already divided country.

A PAWN OF SEDITION is a 90,000-word Young Adult science fiction novel with culturally diverse characters. It delves into the issue of social and economic division and will appeal to fans of Warcross by Marie Lu and The Thousandth Floor series by Katherine McGee.

Thank you for your consideration,


(Not part of the query: I tried to rewrite the query to focus more on the science fiction aspects, but I'm scared it might've added more confusion and unnecessary questions.)


Notes

This is much more intriguing and informative, and I don't have many questions. While I'm interested in whether Mea has to kill other contestants to win, as in The Hunger Games, or whether she's indirectly responsible for their deaths by winning, you've at least said that winning is the only hope for survival.

It's possible some reader could at first misinterpret "Either she follows their rules to save herself, or she risks her life . . . " not as her choice, but as cause and effect. If it said "She must choose: either follow their rules and possibly save herself, or risk her life trying to stop a plan that would break an already divided country." there'd be no ambiguity.

Of course since she's not guaranteed to win the competition, and the Reformers can't be trusted to spare her life if she does win, her life is at stake no matter which choice she makes. She might have a much better chance of survival by trying to stop them, depending on the skill level of her opponents in the competition. Like if the competition is one-on-one basketball, and the other competitors include LeBron James and Kevin Durant, even a 1% chance of stopping the Reformers would be worth the risk. But that's more a concern in the book than in the query.