I’ve been dreading this post, and I almost wasn’t going to say...

I’ve been dreading this post, and I almost wasn’t going to say anything. But. It might be cathartic. I hope it’ll be cathartic. Here we go.

.

Due to many really shitty, heartbreaking reasons, we had to return Aja to the breeder on Tuesday. She’s fine (perfectly healthy and doing all the rambunctious, bouncy things puppies are supposed to do); but in the few days we had her, it became quickly apparent that we were not the right home for her.

.

I spent most of Monday either on the verge of tears, crying, or holding her and staring in a daze. I never wanted to be one of those people who bought a puppy and immediately went “NOPE” and chucked it away—and this emotion damn near ate me alive. But I keep telling myself: I’m NOT one of those people. I DIDN’T chuck her away. I gave her back to a safe, healthy home, in the hands of a fully capable breeder with generations of experience raising strong dogs. I made the (admittedly gutting) decision to actually remove her from an unsuitable home (mine) and place her somewhere better (with the breeder, who will find her the perfect home).

.

But tonight, I was doing laundry, and came across the blankets, towels, and pillows I’d bought for her. And all the shittiness of giving her back smacked into me all over again. Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried harder? Maybe I should’ve just sucked it up and figured it out—to the detriment of both Aja, myself, and my family?

.

As awful as this week has been, I’m trying not to let myself spiral in questions like that. Sometimes it’s impossibly hard to make decisions that protect yourself, even if they also benefit other parties. I always have a kick of guilt (okay, a whole goddamn tidal wave of guilt) when terrible decisions bring about something positive for me, even if in the long run. Like I brought it upon myself, so I deserve to suffer.

.

But that’s so far from the truth. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to make hard decisions that result in your favor. It’s okay to be kind to yourself.

.

Someday, our home will be equipped for a dog. Someday, our lives will be conducive to a new addition.

.

And someday, much sooner, Aja will find the family that’s right for her.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BseT37An0hj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6w8setkwn9ng