Why some Wounded Christians don't 'Empty the Pews'

[For those unfamiliar with the EXvangelical movement, this is NOT a critique of the movement. It isn't for three reasons: first, it would take up far too much space. Secondly, I do not feel qualified for such a task: the movement touches on a number of social, political, and cultural issues. Lastly because the comment I'm responding to was primarily about abuse - which is only a small part of the 'EXvagelicalism' movement. There is a lot online from EXvan leaders themselves if you wish to learn more.] 


DEAR CHRISTIAN,
Thank you for messaging me the other day after seeing my tweet about the #EXvangelical movement along with the storm of both agreement and reprobation that followed it. 
You shared a personal tragedy and asked challenging questions connected to why I think you should not leave church or 'empty the pews' as the hashtag calls it. And, as I imagine that others might also have similar questions, I’d like to respond to you in this format instead of through Tweets.
Have You ever been Hurt by Church Leaders?It has been my experience that some join the EXvan movement because they have become more theologically liberal than the churches they were raised in or have rejected Christianity outright - be it classical or progressive. Others join EXvan because of individual acts of abuse. You seem to be in the second category though you may have adopted rejected parts or all of classical Christian belief as well - we can talk about that another time if you wish.

Concerning abuse: You were treated in a way that is somewhere north of grotesque. For that, I am truly sorry for you. I can see why you left that congregation. I lay no claim to such an extreme experience of victimhood. But I don’t mind sharing with you some of my own painful journey.
by Aarón TejedorI remember one incident clearly. The threatening leader who sat across from me was a former special forces soldier and was considerably bigger than I was. He believed he had an ‘apostolic anointing’―and was as full of himself as a Russian doll.
He raised his voice and made it forcefully clear to me that if I didn’t submit my social life to him, that he would make sure I’d regret it. I spent two hours in that church office being interrogated. The first hour passed like a kidney stone. The second one was worse. He gave me a homework assignment list and dismissed me from his church office.
I never set foot in that congregation again. I emptied that pew. As a result, he excommunicated me. I then worked and wrote to hold this pastor accountable. For I knew I wasn’t alone. He had emotionally abused many by seeking control over their personal lives in a way not granted to him by Scripture.
That wasn’t the first time. I was also excommunicated by a church leader when I was just 17. That left me feeling disillusioned for nearly a year. Youth from that church who also attended my high school would walk past me in the halls and fail to acknowledge my existence. They were following the lead from their pastor: I was dead to them.
My parents divorce at the age of twelve also involved the failings of church leaders. It left psychological scars that I can still feel. But I do not wish to publicly go into the details of that.
Is this how you Treat the Victims?I don’t share the above stories to show that we are exactly alike. We are not. I was not sexually abused as a child and I cannot fully appreciate the unique hurt you must experience even to this day. After reading what you wrote, my own scars seem minuscule to me by comparison. 

Most of those reading this reply also have not been abused like you have. Yet their wounds are still serious. Church wounds are one of Satan's favourite tools. He will use the hurt brought by others to provoke us to doubt God’s goodness―the foundation of our spiritual lives. 

How to handle these wounds seems to be one of the many issues that the EXvangelical movement seeks to address as they welcome people from evangelical and other conservative church backgrounds. It's an important issue and, in that sense, I commend them for seeking to address it - even if I disagree with some of their advice. 
I share, firstly, because you asked. But also because I want you to know that much of the advice I give to others who have been hurt or disillusioned in the church comes from my own journey as guided by Scripture. When I was hurt, I took some advice to resist the tendency to see oneself through an exclusive victim lens. 

This is not to say that I didn’t admit that I was the victim of someone else’s sin. I was. But I decided that, by God’s grace, I was going to work through it and not let it define me in a negative way.
So I encourage other hurt people in this direction: to be honest about our pain, cry tears in the company of safe people, pray Psalms of loss and anger, and avoid a long-term self-pity traps that will keep us unable to see the forest of God’s purposes for the trees of our hurt. And I encourage people to offer forgiveness (if we may dare to wield so beaten up a word) to those who hurt them.
Why do you let Abusers go Free? Ouch. Would it bother you if I suggest that your criticism of me might be unfair?
I once reported a heavy handed shepherd to denominational superiors and he was disciplined by his church authorities. This discipline included having to write a letter of apology and having a permanent mark on his career record.
Another incident involved a pastor at an independent church with no denominational hierarchy to report him too. I took to the internet and wrote an article about some of the abusive situations happening at this church. Eventually, as other people continued to be abused, the elders of the church woke up to the situation and threw him out.
So I have been involved in the formal discipline or removal of two church leaders―which I think is about two more than most of my online critics who say that I don’t care about abusers facing justice.
But this is slightly beside the point. As Christians we are often limited in what type of correction we can bring to leadership in other churches. What we can do is to help to redeem those who have been hurt. We follow Christ’s lead to ‘bind up the brokenhearted’. We try, however imperfectly, to help the wounded heal and go on to live fruitful and obedient lives for Christ. That should be our priority.
Why?
Photo by Jasmin FørestbirdJesus taught that no one gets away with anything. The day of the vengeance of our God shall come. If we do not believe in the Final Judgement then when we get hurt, abused, or betrayed, anxiety will leak out of us like antifreeze. We will work to see justice done and sinners punished in this life―fearful that it might never be done at all; fearful they’ll get away with it. But we shouldn’t believe that justice delayed is justice denied. Not forever. One day every elder will stand before Christ and give an account for every life they’ve overseen. No unrepentant abuser will have impunity. It will be and awesome and fearful day. No one will be able to say to Christ ‘Hey Jesus, you let that pervert priest off easy!’
No. Your pain is not forgotten. The tears you shed are kept by flaming seraphs to be rained down as napalm on those unrepentant leaders who abused you.
And we pray for those leaders who once hurt us to repent―because what is coming for them will be truly terrible. But whether they repent or not, we refuse to live in prisons of bitterness repeatedly dreaming about personal revenge. As it is written: ‘Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”’
Why are you Telling the Abused to Repent?God forbid we do that! We should be willing to verbally support people in leaving congregations where unrepentant abuse is happening. In that sense, we support the notion of ‘empty the pews’.
When one sided abuse of authority in leadership happens (or one sided rebellion in the congregation) then only one party should repent to the other. The abused should never have to repent to the abuser.
But this should not be understood to mean that we cannot repent to God when hurts come our way. Our lives are to be ones of continual repentance. This is the first word of the Gospel. The frustrations and wounds we receive at the hands of others can bring unbelief and vengeance to the surface like few other experiences. This good. We can turn our faces to meet pain’s fierce kisses knowing that they afford us the opportunity to find mercy for darkness that we never knew existed inside of us.
No angry pastor can send us to hell. No abuser can damn our souls. The only thing that can do that is our own sin. That’s why trials and hurts can be so valuable to us―if we bring them to God in worship. Our greatest treasure on earth is not seeing punitive justice descend in flames on those who hurt us. Our greatest treasure is our holiness before God.
As we bring our tears of hurt to be washed in the blood of the Lamb, they get collected into God’s bottle of remembrance―to one day be served as fine wine at His wedding banquet of redemption.

Why Not Leave Church Altogether? Photo by Ashim D’SilvaIf you are not seeking to join a healthy Christian congregation because you don't believe that Christ rose from the dead, that's understandable.

But you have been out of church for years because of past wounds. Have I misunderstood?

Instead of encouraging people to 'empty the pews' and stay out of church altogether, I'd encourage you to find a a new congregation. That is, assuming you still have a Christian faith.

Why?
First of all, yes, some of us have experienced real pain in church. But we have also seen wonderful things. Some of the most loving people we have ever met have been in the church. Though we may be on the receiving end of some disappointments when we join a congregation, we also receive strength, love, and grace.
Second, we believe that when God adopts us, He not only becomes our Father, but we get a whole new family―a family that’s just as broken and screwed up as we are. Repeatedly in the New Testament we are instructed to ‘forebear’, ‘submit to’, ‘be patient with’, ‘love’, ‘forgive’, ‘don’t stop meeting with’ and ‘be patient with’ one another.
God intends that our growth as Christians should largely come via both the joys and the challenges that come with being a committed part of a congregation.
Third, we realise within ourselves the possibility of unrighteous motives in not wanting to be a part of a congregation. There can be an allure to the idea of a life free from spiritual shepherds calling you to repent and live with purity. There’s a part of every son of Adam and daughter of Eve that despises authority―be it parental, ecclesiastical, or political. There’s also that the rush of freedom in getting rid of people in your life that are difficult to love. But all this is only the liberty of a runaway; the temporary relief of the lost son.
We also stay in church to avoid self-righteous pride. When we leave church fellowship, it is easy to get into a complaining spirit that sees church through a very narrow lens as being ‘the problem’. We think of all the ways in which ‘church’ has disappointed us and see ourselves as the righteous ones who now nobly suffer outside the camp.
Of all our sins, this type of self-righteous anger can be the most delicious. We feast upon memories of when we were so right and the other person was so wrong. We nibble upon thoughts of how base they were in their action and how we were far more wise or righteous. But one day, after we are satiated on all these replayed memories, we will realise that it is only ourselves that we have eaten. The feast has been our own souls.
How about, instead of asking, ‘How will my faith survive the church?’, let’s ask ourselves, ‘How will the church survive my faith?’’ Doing so might save souls from pride.  
JesusLastly, many of us choose to stay with the church because we were never there for the church in the first place. We were there for Him. We didn’t sign up to follow Christianity, Evangelicalism, Catholicism, or any such movement. Jesus saved us and we joined our broken, sinful selves to one of His broken and sinful congregations. As is such, we believe that we should persevere when things go south. Occasionally, we may have to find a new congregation―especially if we think our church leaders are not submitting themselves to what God teaches in Scripture. But we don’t leave church.
Why?
Jesus love His church. The Bible calls it His ‘Bride’. As followers of Jesus, we must strive to have the same attitude towards the church as Jesus had. Yes, we’re sometimes angry when we see her fail. We’re hurt when those failings involve us. Yet we seek to be respectful if, and when, we feel the need to publicly point out her sins. We speak up to save, not to destroy her.
Photo by Felix Koutchinski If you care, why don’t you join EXvangelical?Yes, there are things in evangelical subculture (particularly American evangelical culture) that I find troublesome and hard to understand. I find the way that many relate it to their politics to be odd. There are also legalisms and strange practices that I perceive to be less than Biblical at times. I welcome some of the critique movements like EXvangelical might give. I hope the church can learn and grow from such critiques. 

But I do not join the EXvan community for two reasons. The first is theological: my belief system is still classically Christian. The second is that my advice to Christians who have been wounded or poorly pastored is different, as far as what I can discern, from EXvan's. 

If someone rejects (classical) Christianity because they think another creed is more trustworthy, then so be it. But to reject a faith simply because one was hurt in a community that professes it, well, that may be a conflation of issues.

I recommend that fellow wounded travellers like yourself:
·   Share your hurt with the leadership. If they respond well, you might reconcile. If not it could be best to find another congregation.
·   Understand the scope and limits of the authority granted to church leaders by God in the Bible. (Here)
·   Refuse to make victimhood a core identity. I am a forgiven sinner before I am person sinned against. The debt I've been released from will always be greater than the debt I release others from.
·    Be humble in your politics. The people in the congregation I pastor belong to a variety of political parties. They vote differently. In the age of Brexit, these issues mater. But how sad if we cannot worship Christ next to a fellow redeemed sinner simply because they have a different political perspective than us.
·    Cherish that, as a Christian, your God is unique. Christ is the only god who became man and allowed others to abuse him - all while praying for their forgiveness. Why? So that we might be healed. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Always. 
·  Report shepherds who, without repentance when confronted, abuse their authority to proper denominational or other authorities (in case of things like sexual abuse, tell the police).

·   Talk to trusted friends or mentors. There’s also no shame in getting professional therapy or counselling.
·   Through the pain, make it your goal to have Christ’s attitude towards his church: one to save and not to condemn. 


My Life NowI used to trust the church. Not so much now. I love the church, but my trust is in Jesus. Being disillusioned has helped me separate following the church from following Christ. And I think I can serve the church better because of it.

I am no longer bitter towards the church, but thankful that Jesus allows me to be part of it. His faithfulness to me in spite of my sins is far greater than my faithfulness to the church in spite of her sins.

If you want more to think about, I wrote an article on Thank you for taking the time to read. These are big issues and I hope respectful, healthy dialogue can continue.
Yours,Joshua