How To Have Hard Conversations

I hate confrontation.

 

I build things up to be too big in my mind. I’m a “people-pleaser”, and I want everyone to like me. And I know that arguments usually distract me from doing the REAL work; I can’t resist them when they happen, so I try to avoid them.

 

But as I grew from Founder to Farmer to Tinker, hard conversations became more important. And they just got harder.

 

As the Founder of a gym business, firing a client was very hard. There were hundreds of dollars at stake, which was big money back then. But more important, I worried about the client’s reaction: how would she feel? How would she react? What would she say in my gym? What would she tell people on Facebook?

 

In the Farmer phase, I had to start managing staff. That meant evaluations, and correcting their actions, and even firing a couple. Those conversations were harder by an order of magnitude: decisions affected the staff person and their families, and sometimes my clients, too.

 

And in Tinker phase, every conversation set the precedent for the company, hundreds of clients, and dozens of staff. Most decisions were held with tens of thousands of dollars in the balance; some literally had hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in the balance. And some were more important than any amount of money.

 

My new mentor, Marcy, was chosen precisely to help me with leadership. And leadership means having hard conversations. On our first call, Marcy told me:

 

“Chris, sometimes you’re being tactful. But sometimes you’re just hiding.”

 

And it’s true. Sometimes I DO avoid tough conversations and tell myself to “cool off for a bit” or “phrase this politely.” Both are wise…but not when they’re avoidance techniques.

 

Thanks to years of experience, dozens of hard conversations, and Marcy, I’ve learned a lot about hard conversations. Here are some things to keep in mind for context before you start:

Anticipation is always worse than the event.
Every tough conversation you have is just practice for a tough conversation in the future, when the stakes will be higher.
People aren’t really paying much attention to you. You might be staying up all night worrying about “The Big Talk”, but they probably aren’t.
The greatest gift you can give the other person is clarity. Respect them enough to say what you mean.

 

Here are my action steps:

Hold the conversation at the highest possible level of the communication hierarchy. Face-to-face is best. If that’s not possible because of geography, use a video call. If that’s not possible, call them on the phone. Email is poor for having hard conversations, because it’s very hard to read intent into the written word. And text isn’t an option at all.
Be sure, but act quickly. Get the facts. But be aware of procrastination strategies like “I need more information” or opinion-gathering. This isn’t a democracy.
Avoid emotional language. “I feel like…” or “I think you should…” completely dampens your message, says “I’m unsure.”
If you’re talking to a staff member, client or friend you’d like to keep around, work through this next step. If you’re going to end your relationship, skip to #5.

Let them release their emotion first. Picture their anger, frustration, or sadness as a big black balloon that’s floating between your faces. You can’t really see each other while that balloon is there, so let the air out of it–slowly.

Get right to the heart of their concern by asking a pointed question: “So you’re worried about this rate increase?” Then let them vent out all of their emotions.

When the balloon is a little deflated, poke it again. You want it completely empty. “You’re concerned you won’t be able to afford the gym anymore?”

You might have to poke it a third time. Only when the emotional content of their speech is gone can you begin working on a solution. This was outlined in Chris Voss’ excellent book, “Never Split The Difference.”
Then lay out your case clearly. “More words don’t make people feel better”, Seth Godin wrote in “This is Marketing“. If you’re breaking up with them, start the conversation with “We’re breaking up.”

If you’re removing them as a client, say “I’m so sorry this isn’t working out. We do our best to please every client, but we’re just not a good fit.”

If you’re firing them as a staff person, say so. Don’t do them the disservice of hiding behind stock language like “we’re going another direction.” Tell them: “I can’t have you coaching anymore, because you haven’t corrected X and Y.”
Give them a cool down period. “I’d like you to take a day or two before you respond. Think about what we’ve said. Then, if you want to talk some more, we can set up a phone call. In the meantime, I promise to be discrete about this conversation and trust you’ll do the same.”

 

There’s a lot more to it, and nothing beats practice. You’ll get better as you go. Luckily, you can practice on your loved ones, or your staff (we made a deck of cards called the “TwoBrain Scenario Deck” for this precise purpose.) You’ll feel funny asking others to role-play with you, but it’s worth practicing, and practicing on neutral parties will save you painful and expensive practice in real life.

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