Why You Can’t Compare Traumas

I have shared a lot about my traumatic childhood and subsequent mental illnesses. I share it freely, in the hopes that I can help people to feel less alone in their suffering, and that there is hope for a positive future.

Given my openness, it is unsurprising that a lot of people are quite open about their trauma with me.

One common thread that I have noticed is a tendency for people to discount their own suffering in light of what they know about mine. It is almost as if they believe my suffering to be more significant than their own, and that therefore invalidates what they went through and how they are feeling about it.

I am certainly okay with playing that role for people if it is helping them (I find that putting my life into perspective against others helpful myself). But I fear that most people see the (perceived) worse suffering of others as a sign that they have no right to complain, or be ‘broken’ themselves.

This leaves them feeling trapped. They are still suffering from the aftermaths of their own trauma, only they now also feel that their suffering is itself invalid, or that they are pathetic for not being able to cope in comparison to someone else.

This is not ideal.

I want to state this clearly: nothing that happened to anyone else invalidates how you feel, or how you have felt. You have experienced your trauma, and you are living in its aftermath.

I think that people look at the lives of others and wonder how they could have survived. Yet those same people could be looking back and asking you the same thing about your life.

Everyone’s trauma is unique.

I survived my childhood. But I don’t know if I would have been able to survive yours. Perhaps you wouldn’t have been able to survive mine. Who knows? This is a false comparison. One that only leads to suffering.

One thing that I have learnt from reading the hundreds of direct messages from readers talking about their trauma is that everyone has their own unique pasts, each with their own unique mental health.

Talking about it helps. But comparing our trauma to someone else’s trauma most often doesn’t.

Rather we should focus on our feelings. How we are managing life now, and on helping each other through the challenges that we all face.

Finally, it is important to realise that you only really get to see the highlight reel of other peoples lives. You only get to see what they choose to show you — either in person or on social media.

This results in a false version of their reality. You are seeing a small snippet, and comparing it to your entire existence. Complete with your doubts, ruminations, failures and stuff ups.

So when you hear of someone surviving and thriving after trauma, it is hard not to feel like a comparative failure.

The reality is that person is still suffering, still battling and still working on improving themselves. You just don’t get to see all of that process!

This is why I share my journey. I want to provide a real look into trauma, mental illness and the recovery process. But please remember, regardless of how much I share, you still only see what I choose (read: at times manage) to share with you. The reality of my mental state on a moment by moment basis is different.

- Zachary Phillips

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Why You Can’t Compare Traumas was originally published in Invisible Illness on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.