Authentic Savior
“We are daughters of our Heavenly Parents, who love us, and we love them.” Those were the words that popped out of my mouth unrehearsed a few months ago while reciting the Young Women Theme, and I’ve said it that way ever since. I’m not trying to “steady the ark” or usurp authority over a calling that’s not my own; it just no longer felt authentic to me to talk about exaltation and divine nature without acknowledging the existence of both of my Heavenly Parents. And I’m done with inauthentic.
This month I accompanied my Young Women to Relief Society opening exercises for the last time. A Relief Society sister was standing close enough to hear the alternate words I quietly said for the theme, and she slipped her arm around me. “I love you,” she said simply.
I don’t always have the guts or the energy to be authentic at church. Sometimes wrestling my kids through sacrament meeting leaves me too exhausted, in too sour of a mood, to contribute a comment I know I should share. Sometimes I feel myself hiding in shame because of the idea I have of all the things people expect a bishop’s wife to do. (Say four-letter words when cut off in traffic? Probably not on the list.) But if I’m making one New Year’s resolution it’s not to swear less or to arrive earlier to sacrament meeting (even though I should work on both those things). It’s to be authentic at church. Or at least to have a moment of authenticity and connection with at least one person every Sunday.
Connection is built on vulnerability and authenticity. When I think about moments that have made me feel less alone, they include: when a Young Women lesson turned into a frank discussion about how many of us were struggling with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideations, and why we choose to stay in our bodies even when it’s hard. When a friend told us about the burden of shame she felt as a teenager when her mom had an affair. When a neighbor spoke in testimony meeting about the misogyny she sees in the Old Testament and the scriptures, and how she is struggling to come to terms with God’s love for women. When a group of amazing women shared what weighed on their hearts this year—chronic illness, loss, divorce, foster parenting, sexual abuse, children fighting mental health battles.
When I think about what makes the nativity story memorable and endearing, it’s the really imperfect details. Mary was unmarried and pregnant, for heaven’s sake, and her fiancé was thinking the worst until an angel came to straighten things out. An inconvenient census and an ill-timed road trip meant that she brought forth the Son of God far from home, probably feeling very alone. Oh, and surrounded by animals.
The Savior lived his entire life with authenticity. He was not bothered by what people thought of him; he was motivated by his love for his Father, and his love for us.
He was the man who boldly invited, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” The man who healed on the Sabbath and cast money changers out of the temple. Who said, “Son, thy sins be forgiven thee,” within earshot of the Pharisees and Sadducees, and told his disciples that not one stone of the temple would be left standing upon another.
He was the man who declared, “I am the good shepherd,” and, in the Capernaum synagogue, “I am the bread of life.” The man who calmed the wind and the waves with the sound of his voice.
He stood in the Nazareth synagogue and said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised. To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.” And fearlessly announced, “This day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears.”
He didn’t hide his hurt when he asked his disciples, “Could ye not watch with me one hour?” The Savior didn’t pretend things were easy when he earnestly pled, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.”
He was the man who taught, “Be of good cheer; I have overcome the world,” and who proclaimed, “I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.”
I love him. I am so excited to study his life in 2019, and to strive to emulate his courage, his authenticity, and his love.
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