Holodeck Glitch Log PART 3
Attn: Anybody
Stardate: Who cares?
Subject: The goddamned holodecks!
See my previous glitch logs: Part 1 and Part 2.
I’ve come to the belief that nobody is even reading these messages. Not starfleet, not the shipyards, not even a fucking Romulan spy vessel intercepting my subspace transmissions. This is Lieutenant G. Bogg, luckless holodeck technician aboard the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D. You ever hear the one about the hologram of Rene Descartes? Upon being told that he was a hologram he became angry, put his hands on his hips and declared “I think not!” His program immediately ended and he vanished. Hahahaha! Seriously, things have gotten pretty weird on this ship…
[image error]Yeah, this shit actually happened.
Stardate 46676.4: Sickbay Emergency Medical Hologram has been replaced by a holographic Josef Mengele that managed to transfer itself from a program in Holodeck 3. Why there was a program of Josef Mengele, I have no idea (what the hell is it with all the Nazi shit?), but he butchered Commander Worf and severely injured Doctor Crusher when she tried to intervene.
Fortunately, Captain Picard is still too broken up over the death of his beloved duplicate to scream at me about this.
Memorial service for Commander Worf was held in ten-forward since it has been decided (finally!) that the Holodecks have been too glitchy lately. However midway through the service Guinan lost resolution and turned into a cloud of pixels. Seems like somehow, once again, a large portion of the crew has found itself in the Holodeck without any memory of entering. Also, upon exiting the Holodeck, the real Guinan has been noted as missing.
I am considering resigning my commission with Starfleet.
Incidentally, a group of sentient holo-drama characters petitioned me to delete them from their programs, citing their unwillingness to continue existing as disembodied playthings for a starship full of buffoons. I couldn’t see a flaw in their reasoning and so I fulfilled their wish. Their final shrieks of relief echoed through all decks.
Stardate 46676.6: Commander Data’s cat, Spot, has somehow figured out how to operate the Holodeck, which is now filled with a dense cloud of fat, slow-moving birds.
[image error]A giant space asshole.
Q appeared in my cabin, called me a “poopy-head” and then promptly vanished again. I don’t think this has anything to do with the Holodeck, but I thought it worth mentioning that every godlike, extra-dimensional energy-being in the Universe is basically a total dick.
Stardate 46676.7: Some hilarious prankster has tampered with the Janeway hologram so that its head turns into Captain Picard’s midway through being fucked by Commander Riker. I know this because I’m the hilarious prankster who tampered with it. The curious thing is that Riker hasn’t complained. Not once.
Stardate 46676.9: Commander Data has instructed the computer to produce a Holodeck simulation of a human brain in order to better understand humanity. He then programmed the holographic brain with his own positronic memories and personality, which, when coalesced in a holographic synaptic net, experienced an overload of emotional stimuli, went berserk and took control of the ship’s computer.
[image error]“Duhhhh, I’m a super-advanced android!”
Managed to eventually shut down the Data-brain before it could fly Enterprise into a Red Supergiant. Commander Data has been asked more than once to stop doing things like this and I really don’t know how he’s still a Starfleet officer, really! Robots were supposed to make life easier, not to stumble around fucking things up constantly.
Stardate 46677.1: Was woken with reports that Long John Silver from Treasure Island has created a holographic simulation of the Enterprise’s bridge within Holodeck 3 and managed to take control of the ship from there, stating that he’s taking it to “Treasure Planet”.
I locked my door and went back to sleep.
Fuck it. I mean, seriously. Fuck it.
Stardate 46677.2: Don’t know what happened with that whole Long John Silver thing, but Picard has put me on probation for dereliction of duty and cancelled my Holodeck privileges. As a punishment! The tea-swilling moron!
Oh, I heard that the holographic gangster reappeared and stole a shuttle. He flew off to that gangster planet Kirk found all those years ago. So… yeah, there’s that.
Stardate 46677.3: Today, on a hunch, I instructed the computer to “end program”. It did so normally and I found myself standing in the empty Holodeck. The only problem was that I hadn’t been in the Holodeck when I said it, but Ten-Forward on the real ship.
I exited the Holodeck and again instructed the computer to “end program”. Again, the ship disappeared around me and, again, I found myself standing in an empty Holodeck.
I have now lost count of how many times I have repeated this procedure. It feels like days have passed as I endlessly collapse one simulated Enterprise into the next, on and on…
I have sent a holographic glitch report to a holographic Starfleet corps of holographic engineers.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Is it a dream? Is it real? Am I real?
[image error]Look… you can’t even see the strings.
Stardate unknown: What is the Holodeck? The Holodeck has me.
Unfortunately no one can be told what the Holodeck is. You have to see it for yourself.
I’m going to say it. The words that I believe will put this intolerable, hellish farce to an end once and for all. I can’t go on, moving through this ship of horror, never knowing what’s real and what’s a hologram, if the people around me are anything more than photons and force fields… I have to say the words. This is my final report.
End Lieutenant G. Bogg program!
