Holodeck Glitch Log PART 2
Attn: Starfleet Corps of Engineers, Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards
Stardate 46676.4:
Subject: SERIOUSLY!
Here’s another series of glitch reports from Holodeck repair technician Lieutenant G. Bogg, serving on the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D (the ‘D’ stands for Douchebags, because this crew is entirely comprised of them).
Stardate 46675.3: A holographic 1930s gangster walked out of the Dixon Hill holodrama in Holodeck 1. He stepped through the arch and into the main ship, looking confused, and wandered around for some time, staring at everything and being heard to remark “Holy cow, I’m in a Buck Rogers strip!” This should, of course, be impossible since there are no holo-emitters outside the Holodeck.
Internal sensors lost track of the gangster, who could now be anywhere.
[image error]An alleged ‘Starfleet officer’
Stardate 46675.4: Commander Data was doing his Sherlock Holmes thing again in Holodeck 3. There’s actually no glitch to report here – just thought it was lame as hell.
Stardate 46675.5: While performing routine maintenance on Holodeck 3 I was running a test program. When I ordered the computer to “end program”, the entire Enterprise vanished, leaving all crewmembers hanging in empty space. I quickly told the computer to “resume program” and the ship reappeared around us with no further incident.
Stardate 46675.6: Chief O’Brien has emerged from his catatonia long enough to put a phaser in his mouth and vaporise his head. He had left a note stating that he “is getting out of the simulation”. Counsellor Troi has suggested any crewmember struggling to deal with this tragedy seek out any of the pre-loaded therapist programs in the Holodeck, except the Sigmund Freud one, which has been sexually assaulting patients (it’s on my to-do list).
A brief memorial service held once again in Holodeck 2, this time aboard a 17th Century sailing ship, resulted in twenty-three crew deaths when the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea somehow invaded the program and sunk the ship. Commander Worf was severely wounded in a swordfight with the Captain Nero hologram. Once again, the safety routines have been accessed by the holo-characters and the recent patches sent by Starfleet have done NOTHING to fix this persistent bug. Frankly, I think the Holodecks need a whole new operating system – throw it all out and start from scratch.
[image error]Today is a good day to suck on a fucking breath-mint.
As you know, I have expressed my frustration to Starfleet corps of engineers. I mean, for fuck sake! Holodecks have killed more Starfleet officers over the years than the fucking Romulans! Can’t these people just be satisfied with a big-screen television?
Stardate 46675.7: My Grandfather came to visit me in my cabin this morning, which is unusual as he’s been dead for seventeen years. He apologised to me and told me that the program is experiencing some technical issues, before vanishing into thin air.
I went to see Counsellor Troi and told her about this experience. She said that I have been working too hard and may need a break from Holodecks. She suggested I unwind on a Caribbean cruise in the Holodeck.
Captain Picard has reprimanded me for telling Counsellor Troi to go fuck herself with a Batleth. He can get on the other end of it, frankly.
Stardate 46675.8: Holographic soldiers killed by Worf and LaForge during a simulation of the D-Day invasion at Normandy (Worf and LaForge were playing Nazi soldiers for some reason) appear to have been bleeding real human blood, which has seeped into conduits in the deck and under the door. It’s everywhere.
I’m forwarding the technical details on this glitch, though I can’t quite figure what subroutine could be responsible for the spontaneous manifestation of real blood. As a rule, whenever something like this happens, Q did it.
[image error]Shouldn’t you people be doing something constructive?
While investigating this problem I accidentally walked in on Counsellor Troi in Holodeck 1 getting double-teamed by holograms of James Kirk and Spock. She invited me to stay and watch. I declined.
Stardate 46675.9: Enterprise came under attack from a Romulan warbird, suffered extensive damage. The attacking ship was destroyed but a warp-core breech was imminent and Captain Picard ordered all hands to abandon ship…
…Only then the ship disappeared completely and the entire crew compliment found themselves crowded together in Holodeck 3. The attack had never actually happened; it had only been a holographic simulation. Nobody knows how we all got into the Holodeck.
Even stranger – upon exiting the Holodeck it was found that Enterprise was already fully-crewed with duplicates of each and every crewmember. This led to a period of awkwardness and suspicion.
We are physically indistinguishable from the duplicates of ourselves, according to Doctor Crusher. In effect, Enterprise now contains two of every person, including myself (we have to share a cabin), except for Commander Worf who immediately killed his duplicate. Since there is no way to tell which are the originals and which are copies (or how this happened), Captain Picard has issued orders to the effect that all Enterprise crew are to work alongside their duplicates and behave in a manner befitting Starfleet officers. I think it’s fairly obvious that he and his duplicate have immediately commenced a sexual relationship.
See the very lengthy glitch report attached.
Stardate 46676.2: All of the duplicates of Enterprise crew have suddenly and rapidly aged, died, and crumbled into dust in the space of five minutes. Most crew are fairly relieved, though Captain Picard was bawling his eyes out for hours after. He ordered everybody to attend a memorial in Holodeck 2, which resulted in the expected scattering of crew deaths when holographic Nazis stormed the simulated Arlington cemetery and opened fire on the crewmembers.
In response, Captain Picard has demoted me back to the rank of Lieutenant and I hope something cripples him and he spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair, the pretentious, pontificating prick!
[image error]Idiots.
Stardate 46676.3: LaForge reported huge power drains in the Holodecks and I met him outside Holodeck 1 to investigate. When we opened the door we saw, inside the Holodeck, our own backs as the holograms of ourselves looked through a door into a holographic Holodeck at their own backs as holograms of themselves looked through a door into a holographic Holodeck at their own backs… and on… dizzying. Nausea-inducing.
LaForge and I looked at each other and then slowly glanced behind us, where a Holodeck arch stood, inevitably, and we saw ourselves standing outside it, looking back over our shoulders at a Holdeck arch, outside which another pair of ourselves stood, looking back over their shoulders to where a Holodeck arch stood…
We closed the door to the Holodeck and he walked back to engineering without another word and has been avoiding me ever since.
Holodeck Glitch Log PART 3 coming soon.
