Re: ‘Jumanji’ board game
To Whom It May Concern:
I recently had the extreme misfortune of purchasing your board game, ‘Jumanji’, in the hope that it would serve as an entertaining diversion with which to pass the time. As an avid consumer of tabletop games there is a certain level of functionality and enjoyment I have come to expect and, moreover, a degree of safety both physical and psychological that I feel it is reasonable to anticipate in such a product.
Your product has failed utterly to meet those expectations.
[image error]It looked fun to begin with…
I have no complaints about the quality of the set. Indeed, in terms of presentation, the ‘Jumanji’ board game seemed a step above the competitors, but then I began to play…
Did it amuse your creative team, I wonder, to inflict such horrors upon your unsuspecting customers? Did you think that it was perfectly acceptable to expose players, likely including young children, to mortal danger when all they’d wanted was an afternoon’s wholesome fun?
No sooner had I played a couple of moves and your twice-cursed game, employing a heretofore unexplained astrophysical phenomenon, opened some kind of Einstein-Rosen bridge. A so-called ‘wormhole’, which violently pulled me into an alternate universe and a jungle-choked world populated by savage beasts and psychotic killers.
[image error]Attempted murder by gun-toting lunatics is not an expected outcome of playing a board game.
Though shocking enough in its own right, I couldn’t help but wonder why you and your compatriots had seen fit, upon stumbling onto such a ground-breaking, game-changing (ha!) technology as artificial wormholes, to misuse the discovery so badly. This mechanism belongs in the hands of NASA, not crammed into a board game. What, I ask, was the thinking here?
Nevertheless, the true horrors were yet to come.
I will spare you the details of the subsequent thirty years of hell I experienced within the pocket-universe your damnable board game whisked me away to. I’m sure you are well aware of the giant, blood-sucking insects, the sabre-toothed predators and the man-eating plants your creative team gleefully inflicted upon me.
But there. I know you didn’t miss it – thirty years. By the time I was rescued from that nightmare I’d almost forgotten human language. The world had changed and I was peeved to discover that I had been presumed dead.
How does your company propose to compensate me for this suffering?
Oh, of course, after wholesale destruction and chaos involving an invasion by the denizens of that alternate universe that almost certainly resulted in deaths, the game had that final trick up its sleeve. I know you will claim that everything is perfectly fine because it’s all undone. Yes, thirty years of history. All the billions of lives lived in that time casually erased so that your silly little game can reset the board.
[image error]I suppose you think this makes everything alright?
And what about my mental anguish? Thirty years of torture still sit heavy in my mind. I am a broken man.
My opinion of your company and product line has been forever tarnished by this experience. I can only hope that the intention of this board game wasn’t to inflict traumatic stress on your presumably valued customers.
I would welcome the opportunity to discuss matters further and to learn of how you propose to make recompense for the pain and suffering I have endured as a result of this regrettable experience. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
J. Green.
