Holodeck Glitch Log PART 1

Attn: Starfleet Corps of Engineers, Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards

Stardate 46675.2

Subject: Okay, this is getting STUPID

Holodeck repair technician Lieutenant G. Bogg here, yet again. Reporting, for what it’s worth, on the continuing issues arising from the holodecks aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701 D. Not that I’ll expect anything to be done about it.

[image error]I actually hate this ship.

Here are some of the most recent incidents –

Stardate 46673.8: I was woken in the middle of the night to assist Commander Riker whose genitals had become painfully fused within a holographic representation of Captain Janeway after the Janeway hologram froze due to a glitched vaginal rendering subroutine. Had to perform a hard reboot of the Holodeck in order to free him (Commander Riker has instructed this glitch not be forwarded to corps of engineers, so do not spread it around by any means!)

Stardate 46674.1:  Received a complaint that the faces of a large number of male holo-characters have been replaced by Commander Data’s face. Turns out Data made this modification to the Holodeck programs because, get this, he thought people would enjoy the holo-dramas more if the characters were “closer to perfection”. Also, that women in particular would appreciate it.

[image error]This fucking douchenozzle, right?

Why would anybody program a robot to be an arrogant prick? It took me the better part of a day to remove his pasty, yellow-eyed mug out of the programs because he refused to help.

 

Stardate 46673.2:  Another spontaneous manifestation of sentience occurred in the characters in the Dixon Hill holodrama in Holodeck 2. Three Enterprise crewmen fatally wounded after holographic gangsters managed somehow to access Holodeck safety protocols governing projectile lethality. The 3.2 software patch was supposed to have made this impossible, but it seems to keep happening. The holo-characters demanded a fair trial as conscious beings. Captain Picard ordered their immediate deletion from the program. Upon completing this, crew complained of hearing anguished screams for several hours across all decks.

Stardate 46674.4: Several crewmembers who failed to report to their shifts were eventually tracked down to Holodeck 1, which was locked and unresponsive to verbal instruction. When the doors were forced the crewmembers were found to be carrying out their duties aboard a holographic reproduction of Enterprise, unaware that they were not aboard the real ship. They have no memory of how they got onto the Holodeck. Counsellor Troi has suggested this amnesia as a symptom of holo-addiction and ordered the crew-members in question to take time off and enjoy some R&R in the Holodeck.

She is an idiot.

Stardate 46674.5: Chief O’Brien has apparently been disincorporated into the pattern memory of Holodeck 2 after a four-hour session murdering prostitutes in 19th Century London; upon ending the program he himself dematerialised along with the rest of the holographic characters and structures.

Captain Picard is really breathing down my neck about this one and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to figure it out.

Additionally, Commander Riker has had another unfortunate encounter with the Janeway hologram, in which this time the vaginal rendering subroutine crashed completely, severing his penis when the orifice disappeared. Doctor Crusher is attempting to re-attach it (this time you guys REALLY shouldn’t tell literally everybody about this!)

Stardate 46674.7: Chief O’Brien is still missing in the Holodeck 2 pattern memory and is now presumed dead. Captain Picard ordered all crew to attend a memorial service in a holographic Sistine Chapel in Holodeck 2, against my advice. Upon ending the Sistine Chapel program, another four Enterprise crew vanished along with the rest of the holograms.

Captain Picard shouted at me for about three hours, which would have been time better spent on trying to identify the problem, I would have thought. Looking at my reflection on his head, I seem to have aged horribly over the past week.

Stardate 46674.8: I thought I noticed a square patch of unrendered pixellation on the bulkhead of my cabin that flickered for a moment in the corner of my eye and then vanished when I looked at it fully. I must not be getting enough sleep.

[image error]FML

Stardate 46674.9: There has been a widespread spate of genital maiming among some eighty percent of the male Enterprise crew, including Captain Picard and (again) Commander Riker as the vaginal rendering subroutine bug has propagated to all female holo-characters. Sick-bay resources have been pushed to capacity as Doctor Crusher’s team struggles to re-attach hundreds of penises. Recommended to Captain Picard that crewmen stop having sex with holograms until I can isolate and patch the issue. He slapped me like the effeminate dandy he is and threatened to demote me to the rank of Ensign. I’m going to file a complaint. Fuck him – I don’t care that he got butt-raped by the Borg, he’s a fucking bald scrotum.

[image error]Everyone thinks he’s classy because of the accent. He’s actually a dick.

Stardate 46675.1: Chief O’Brien has reappeared; naked, disoriented and covered in a clear, gelatinous fluid, in the middle of Holodeck 2 during a period of shut-down when the system should not have been active. He screamed “It’s all fake! Everything is fake! We’re all…!” and then lapsed into a catatonic state (see additional report forwarded to Starfleet medical.)

Additionally, I managed to identify the bug in the vaginal rendering subroutine as being the result of some amateurish attempt from years ago on the part of an Ensign Wesley Crusher to program holo-character vaginas to vibrate. I kid you not. I have fixed the bug.

Captain Picard has promoted me to Lieutenant-Commander and hugged me (I swear he was wearing ladies’ perfume). This is a ship of fools.

Part 2 of the Holodeck glitch log coming soon.