Don't date a dummy.

If you
are a dummy, then move along. Otherwise, why would you waste your time dating
someone who is as intellectually stimulating as a cold speculum? It's like
taking a class where you know more than the teacher does. Sure, it's nice to have
arm-candy, but eventually that human bracelet will open its mouth
and ruin the fun.




You need
to find someone who is slightly more intelligent to keep you engaged. There's a
tiny problem you'll need to overcome due to the paradox—you'd be the dumber one.
That's where you can tout your other skills to make your ignorance tolerable.
If I date an intellectually superior woman, I concentrate on my foot-rubbing,
lasagna-cooking, and giggle-inducing skills. She won't need my help completing
crossword puzzles.




"I'm seeking
a four-letter word for 'An instrument of love.'"

"Cock?"

"Quit it."

"Dong?"

"It's
not a dirty word, nimrod. This is in the New York Times."

"Phil?"

"How self-serving."

"Can I
buy a vowel?"

"No,
this isn't Wheel of Fortune. Ah, I figured
out the adjacent word. The one I need begins with R."

"Rail?"

"You're incorrigible."

"Thank
you, I think. That is a compliment,
right?"

"Not
exactly."

"Don't
be mean. I bought you roses today, remember?"

"Rose!"

"No,
roses. There were twelve. I counted."

"The
word is 'rose.'"

"Oh. Of
course it is. I knew that. I was just playin'."




See? I
can cover my mental gaps with humor. Most dummies don't understand my jokes or
they take them personally. Hence, dummies don't last. I offend them and they
respond by calling me an "insensitive douche" and restricting access. Case in
point: Yesterday, I posted what I thought was a clever tweet based on a trending
topic.




"#iknewitwasoverwhen
Adele sang."




This
created a hippo stampede of women calling me an insensitive "h8ter." I'm actually a fan of Adele. I've read
numerous interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and, in fact,
she prides herself on not giving a shit what people think about her appearance.




"I like having my hair and face
done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make
music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy." – Adele




So,
why am I being mean when I agree with her? Whatever.




Back to
my original point: You need to date someone who inspires you. Playing the
teacher role is exhausting. Dating a sexy dummy is like:

eating
microwaved filet mignon.
drinking
lukewarm espresso.
playing
catch with an iPhone 4S.
wearing
a sexy skirt with tighty whiteys.
watching
an NFL football game on the stadium TV.
complaining
about the current president although you didn't vote.
spraying
Chanel on your cha cha.
paying
valet although you parked your own car.
dunking
a Milano cookie in light beer.
wearing
a biker outfit on a stationary bike.
going
to the library to read comic books.
masturbating
in jet bathroom to join the Mile-High Club.
ordering
a Reuben without the meat.
adopting
a yorkie for protection.
eating egg whites. 
getting
a spray-tan in preparation for your beach vacation.