Regretsgiving
Turkey is a cruel mistress. First, you eat some and it is delicious. Then your mouth demands more and, being a slave to its desires, you heed the call and provide. This cycle is repeated until your stomach–previously quite satisfied with the exchange occurring above–suddenly realizes that a mistake has been made. It can contain the turkey’s bountiful goodness no longer. But the mouth is a cruel, demanding mistress, and she whispers her seductive spell and convinces that a little more turkey won’t hurt. Go on. Have some more. It’s so good.
Fifteen minutes later, the stomach is screaming even as you chew yet another mouthful of succulent turkey. Finally, the lubricating effect of potent meat sweats causes you to drop the fork and slip right out of the chair onto the floor. You’re not getting up anytime soon, not with a belly full of greasy fowl. The turkey gorging is complete.
Until about three hours later. Then it’s time for more damn turkey. So much more that you swear off turkey for the rest of your days. Never again, you vow. And you make a blood oath to whatever pagan god can and will spare you the agony of a stomach ready to burst like a juicy, inflamed pimple. No more turkey. Never again. On my honor. Please. And the dark clouds carry you away to slumber’s mercenary grace. It’s a debt payable only in the currency of nightmares. Gravy-fueled nightmares like fever dreams in the deepest bowels of hell.
You finally wake up, pasted to your crusty sheets, the taste of basted malevolence slathered across your rotting teeth. And what’s the first thing you ask yourself? Before even running to the bathroom to slap both rosy cheeks onto an oblong seat far too well acquainted with those jiggly twins? The very first thing?
“Any dark meat left?”
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Sidebar: No Black Friday e-book sales this year. Or Cyber Monday, for that matter. Not trying to be a spoil sport, but I’d rather save that promotion for a time that’s not more than a full month away from X-mas. Stay tuned.
Sidebar 2: Give me a slice of pumpkin pie while you’re at it.
