IAQs ii

[magic pencil cross stitch]

More Infrequently Asked Questions. (For the first batch, see here).

Q: Do you still do radio?

A: I do, indeed. For two years until last September I was a fortnightly guest on BBC Radio Berkshire's Family Phone-In, discussing the ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows of family life. One of the best moments was when Alice, who was listening at home, texted in a question for me, and I didn't realise it was from her. These days I sometimes take part in the Culture Panel, and I do phone interviews from home whenever they need someone's opinion on TVs in children's bedrooms (no), 'yummy mummies' (spare me), and teenagers at Reading Festival (don't be naive).

Q: Have you ever been on TV?

A: I was just about to say how much I love doing radio precisely because no-one can see me. But yes, I have been on TV once, on Market Kitchen. It went very well, all done in one take, and I even consented to wearing a tiny bit of make-up (a lot, lot less than I imagined Iwould be asked to slap on). It wasn't bad in the end, but I can only say that now, three years after the event, having finally watching myself for the first time last week.

Q: So do you not wear make-up?

A: Not if I can help it. When I was little I was always fascinated by the contents of my mum's friends' make-up bags (yes, I asked to look), especially pan stick. Later, I went through a Biba phase of smoky eyes and dark nails - but only in the house. I couldn't actually go out with it all on. Lipstick makes me look like a corpse so I have never worn any, ever. I suffer badly from hay fever and allergies to cats etc, and eye make-up is impossible when you rub your eyes constantly. I prefer the 'natural' to the 'dead panda' look. (Of course I take something to prevent the sneezing, but eye-rubbing is still a fact of my life.)

Q: OK, so you are not keen on cats, even though your best friend at infant school had a Russian Blue whose colour fur you liked. By the way, can you still speak Russian?

A: Нет, я забыл почти все. Quick answer: no. But, I have discovered a fantastic set of Russian language CDs produced by a native Russian speaker who has a fabulous accent when he speaks English (just the ways he says 'conversation' makes my day). Now my car journeys are all about Gagarin, Pushkin, and the verbs of motion. I can't say it's all flooding back, but at least I can once again buy tickets for the ballet in Russian.

Q: Any other languages in your batterie de langues, as it were?

A: Can I just say that I have never understood the point of the phrase 'as it were', unless it's to make people like me ask 'what's the point?'. Good, thank you. Yes, Latin (five years), French (degree), and four attempts at learning German (sixth form, twice for export marketing, and three years in Germany). In the end, I took lessons in knitting-pattern German, having-twins-in-Germany German, and shopping-in-markets German, so I became fluent in those subjects but couldn't buy tickets for the ballet.

Q: Have you actually ever bought any tickets to the ballet?

A: Yes, Phoebe and I have seen the 'Nutcracker' a couple of times, and I would happily learn how to buy tickets in any language to see the Trocks.

Q: Will you be going to the ballet again this Christmas?

A: I'm sorry, it's still November. I don't want to appear rude, but I don't dicuss Christmas this early (or, preferably, at all). But I haven't been able to avoid the new John Lewis advert. Please, please, let me not have to endure it again.