Too Strong For Too Long

About four years ago, I went to a therapist for "depression." She listened to me talk about my life and my problems for about an hour and at the end, she told me something that I spent years trying to figure out. She said that I had been too strong for too long. At the time, I thought that this made no sense at all. Wasn't I depressed because I hadn't been strong enough? I certainly didn't feel strong. I felt like a mess. And I was pretty sure I would never feel strong again because something about my life had become broken.

What I finally figured out is that she meant that I hadn't been doing any of the things that normal people do who accept that they are not perfect and need help. I didn't spend time building myself up mentally. I didn't give myself breaks because I was tired. I didn't buy myself little prizes just because I felt like it. I tended not to spend time doing things just for fun. Every minute of every day had to have a purpose. Most of them had to have two purposes. And I was ruthless when I reviewed my attempts.

The truth is, this was a very successful strategy for gaining a list of really impressive accomplishments. I had a great resume before I even hit college and once I was finished, I had an even longer list. Scholarships, GPAs, test scores, jobs, essays, number of words written per day. If life was a contest, I would have won it every day. But life isn't a contest. Or if it is, I had decided I didn't want to be in it anymore. Not just because I wasn't winning it. I think I still was, by the measurable definition rules. Only I wasn't happy. Because that strategy of living doesn't actually work that well for making you happy. Some people pretend it will, for a while. It gives you a sense of accomplishment, which can pass for happiness in a pinch. It can give you lots of people saying "Wow" around you. But since you don't have time to talk to them and enjoy their adoration, it's not good for much.

And you run out of yourself, the quantity of you that keeps you going. For me, I ran out about age 35. YMMV. And then what? Then I had to figure out all the stuff that other people already knew. And you'd be surprised how hard it was to learn. I had no idea what sorts of things relaxed me. I hadn't really spent much time figuring that out. Sleep mostly, I guess. I honestly had trouble figuring out what I liked to make for dinner because I spent so much time figuring out every thing that each kid didn't like and working around that to create a few dinners everyone would eat. I didn't know what kinds of clothes I liked to wear because I wore what was cheap and what was easy to launder. I did know what chocolate I liked best, but I almost never ate it.

You may think that being strong can't possibly be a bad thing. If you do, you may have a crisis looming. If you think that people talking about moms needing to take time for themselves is stupid, you might have a crisis looming. If you think that other people need vacations, but you don't--you might have a crisis looming. If you think that other people should just be more like you--you might have a crisis looming. If you think that you are never going to retire because what you're doing is too important--you might have a crisis looming.

Self-care is part of being strong for the long haul. It's like (you are going to be astonished by this analogy, I am sure) fueling for a long run. Anyone can run for an hour on no fuel. Some people can run a full marathon on no fuel, though not many. But once you get beyond 30 miles, you are going to have to eat. You simply won't be able to keep going if you don't. It's not weakness to take the food offered to you before then, either. It's going to keep your blood sugar up. The only effect may be making you happier to be out there running, but don't dismiss happiness. Happiness is what keeps us going. It fuels our brains, and our brains are physical things.

Relying on other people to help you is just sensible. Sometimes you may have to pay these other people. Sometimes they may help you for free. Either way, find them. I spent a long 5 years not having a reliable babysitter for my kids. This was partly because my kids were genuinely hard to leave. It was also partly because I didn't think I needed help. I thought I would survive just fine. Other people had done it. Why not me? Well, I don't know what other people did do it alone, if there were any. But it wasn't a good plan. Other people also ended up having nervous breakdowns or injuring their children.

I think this same principle applies to weight loss. The people I know who are overweight are often the ones who are the meanest to themselves. They punish themselves for every bite of food they eat. Sometimes they say it out loud. Sometimes they say it silently. You don't have to ask me for permission to have a brownie. You don't have to excuse yourself for eating it in front of me. It's yours if you want it. If you are hungry, it is not called self-control when you refuse to eat. It's called starvation. Mostly, I think people who eat more often, who plan what to eat, who enjoy what they are eating, and who take time to find food that satisfies them are better off, fat or thin.

Go be weak a little. Then you'll be able to be strong for a little longer.