The cheese stands alone, leaving me in awe of the idiocy of Herman Cain

I hadn't intended to interrupt my series of posts on eBook publishing, but Herman Cain's latest statement needs to be addressed. (Special thanks to David Gill for giving me a great line to steal for the first half of the subject heading. I take full credit for, and pride in, the second half.)

Of all the moronic and simplistic statements Herman Cain has made, no single utterance has driven me to the keyboard with as much passion as his latest brain fart. He is quoted in GQ as saying, "The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is." There are so many things wrong with this statement, at so many levels, that it could be the grain of sand for a doctoral thesis (or one of those far-too-long New Yorker pieces.) I'll let others address the obvious issue of sweeping generalizations and the whole idea that there is some sort of manly archetype to which all men aspire. I'll stick with the crucial part that annoyed me enough to write this post.

Real pizza -- good pizza -- doesn't need any toppings. This is not to say that you shouldn't cover your pizza with whatever you like. I've had my share of topped pizza. But when I go to a new pizzaria to try out their pie, I always get a plain one. That's the true test. Even if I want a topping, I keep it simple. Once you bury the pizza under a heap of everything, it becomes a different food. (Just as a Chicago pie is a totally different creature from a NY pie. It's not Catholic vs. Protestant. It's football vs. Call of Duty. Wonderful things, but different things.) A heavily-topped pizza is just an unfolded calzone.

Am I claiming I know more about pizza than the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza? No. I'm not claiming I know about marketing and manufacturing chain pizza. I don't know how to get the best deal on ten tons of cheeselike stuff, or what sort of slogan to put on the box for best results. But I've had pizza in some of the greatest venues on Earth, including New York, Chicago, the Jersey Shore, New Haven, and Florence (the one in Italy, not the one in Henderson). I'm claiming two things. One -- the true test of pizza, for me, is a plain pie. Two -- people need to really listen to Herman Cain and think about what he is saying.

As for being manly, all I can say is I've never been accused of harassing a woman. I think that is a much better barometer of true manhood than an abundant pile of pepperoni.