Secondary Trauma

Jesse Hillyer and I had were asked to speak on Secondary Trauma at the Treatment Network Meeting in Owattona last Friday.  Jesse is an amazing person and I am proud to have Jesse and his wife, Erica, as friends and colleagues.  I will share my slides and my comments below: Secondary Trauma (vicarious trauma) = Secondary traumatic stress is the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another. It’s an occupational hazard.  Our job is to connect with people.
 
We are all open Wi Fi systems, picking up on what’s going on around us all the time.  We are social species, so stories our powerful in our brain. 
 
When we’re being affected we feel a shift in our ability to have empathy for others.  When we see people be so hurtful, our view of people can change.  We need to remind ourselves in the process that so many people we know are incredibly kind. 

Sometimes, we torment ourselves for just being human. Anita Hill was treated horribly by American politicians who promised to keep her story a secret, and then made her testify on national television.  Ultimately, they said they didn’t believe her. 

First of all, when I testify in court I enter with the understanding it is not my job to win the case.  It’s simply my task to present what I know about the person I’ve assessed.  It is all about winning or losing for the attorneys, when the reality is that it’s seldom all good or all bad. 

Solution: Be honest and let it play out.  When frustrated ask attorney to repeat the question. 2. Accountability (The longest distance between two points is a series of shortcuts.)
 
What do Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog have in common?  They’ve been to prison.  Snoop for selling drugs and Martha for insider trading.  They knew the consequences and paid the price.
Do not apologize for expecting people to be accountable.  The clients we work with have been getting by with things forever, so when you ask them to be accountable, they are angry.  It’s exactly what they need to be better and healthier people.  It’s not our job to make them happy.  It’s our job to make them healthy and protect others.  Their behavior is not a reflection of us.  Question to abusive 250 pound man blaming a 9-year-old victim: “Did she outsmart you or overpower you?” 3.  Acceptance: We can only go from where we are at.  So many want to be on the top of the mountain, but damn few are only 1 step away.  When I graduated from high school I could be a poor kid going to work or a poor kid going to school.  Being the King of England wasn’t an option.  Once we’re in a better place, we get better options.


The inability to accept their current situation is what gets them in trouble.  (They’d prefer to act as if the bad event didn’t happen.)  
Sometimes I say, “You need to look at that map at the mall that shows an X which says, you are here, and accept it.”  If they have no unsupervised contact with minors and need to be sober, they need to let others know this, otherwise they will constantly be in high risk situations.  When people change, they calm down and are able to be honest with others. 
Mother working at getting custody of child: “If they said I couldn’t wear red, I wouldn’t wear red.  My opinion of the rules doesn’t matter.  You accept what they are if your children are important enough to you.”


Parable: The movie, “The Edge” had a great scene.  Anthony Hopkins plays a naturalist who is in a small plane with Alec Baldwin that goes down in the wilderness.   Baldwin turns to Hopkins:  “Okay, you’re the expert.  Now what?”
Hopkins:  “Do you know what most people who are lost in the woods die from?”
Baldwin:  “What?”
Hopkins:  “Shame.  The spend all their energy thinking about why they shouldn’t be in this situation, instead of using their brain to get out of it.
4.  Stress From Offender’s FamilyIt’s difficult to maintain an addiction without help from others.  Somebody’s still pouring out money to pay the bills.  Most often an unwitting family member.Tell family, “They’ve been inconveniencing you for a long time, and you’re still putting up with it.”  Remember the client got everyone into this situation. Set boundaries: “I can’t share this information without consent.” 
“The easiest thing for me would be to pretend everything is okay.  It would be a lot less paperwork.  But because I care about you and where your life is headed, I can’t.” 5.  Difficult Clients
No matter how difficult they present, I can use this to help them:

​Angry: “I’m glad to see you have strong feelings.  Like me, you’d like to see changes.  Let’s see if we can use your strong feelings productively.”
An angry person needs to step away from the situation.  I agreed to see a violently angry man who had just been released from prison under the condition that he agreed to not respond to anything that made him angry the same day.  Instead he had to carry a notebook with him and write in it.  He had to wait until the next day to respond.  He called me after 2 days and told me how much he appreciated this.  “Man, I get angry over stupid things.  Much of the time, it’s simply because I misunderstand somebody.  Not responding until I sleep on it, means I still have my job.” Oppositionally Unresponsive: I tell them, “So many people come in here and talk my ear off.  It’s kind of nice to finally have someone who is ready to just sit and listen to my advice.”  And they start talking...
“The system sucks client”: My response = “It’s worse than you think.  You wouldn’t believe the number of times I get frustrated at it, but we need to focus on things we have control over.”  Their feelings about the system are irrelevant to what needs to be done.  The next time they bring it up, I ask, “Am I the only one who wants to move forward here?” Narcissistic: In Greek mythology Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in a pond and ultimately drowned.

Take advantage of their narcissism.  “Most people I work with can’t get through this without getting in trouble again, but I think you’re smart enough where you could do this.”  When they say, “I’m not like other offenders,” I say, “Great.” 
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Quote: “I know you think I’m narcissistic, but I’ve never been in a room where I wasn’t the smartest and best looking person.” 6.  Microagressions at work = insulting comments.  Can I touch your hair? That’s so gay. You’d be pretty if you lost some weight.

     Options:I would say something, but that’s the way I’m wired.  One choice is:  Don’t respondOr you could state: “Did you really just say that?” Criticize the comment, not the person.  “That comment makes it sound like you can only tolerate people who are exactly like you.” Recognizing and Resolving Stress
1.  SymptomsFeeling overwhelmed, moodiness, sleep difficulties, problems with memory, physical aches and pains 2.  Strategies
Stop taking on new tasks and agreeing to help others.  Everything you add to your life is a decision to spend less time doing things you used to do and less time with people you used to interact with. Distinguish what you need to do and what you could do.  I have a “could do” pile, which I dump into the garbage every January 1st. Make a list.  Stress builds up one task at a time until you have an overwhelming pile.  The only way to reduce it is by picking them off one at a time.  Try to do the worst task first, as you will think about it until it’s addressed.  Once the worst is done, the rest are easier. Re-prioritize your life:
Family is the most important.Exercise is essential.  Attend physical therapy as requested.  (Walking is fine.)Eat healthy.  (Develop a routine of healthy items but don’t make yourself crazy.)Sleep routine.  (Eliminate electronics, shut TV off, at bed time.)Relax.  (Enjoy a Netflix series or mindless comedy.) 2.  Strategies
Ask self: What do I want to do?  What would a decent person do?  When they conflict, do what a decent person does.Ask self: What would happen if I didn’t respond?  Does responding make it better or worse? A new light through old windows.  Reframe the thoughts you have about your stress.  What if you approached this situation with a different attitude?  90% of people who leave employment are competent in their jobs, but leave for interpersonal reasons.  “It’s not a bad job if you don’t think about it.”  It’s generally not the work, but instead concerns of unfairness that upsets people.  Focus on the work.  “Compared to picking rocks for $2 an hour, this is pretty good.” I guarantee you that once you start appreciating the success of others around you, the rewards will come back to you.  Stop and ask people about family and express genuine compassion.  There are wonderful people around us every day!Mindfulness
1. Take time to organize.  It will save you time in the long run.Realize not everyone is ready to problem solve when you are.  (Think of the number of assaults that occur when one wants to leave and their partner insists they stay and talk about it.)  When men are raging, talking doesn’t calm them down.  (Walking away does.)Be realistic.  Only so much can be done in one day. I love the long version of the Serenity prayer, and often say it to myself when overwhelmed with a horrible event. Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
 Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
  
Taking this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that God will make all things right,
If I surrender to acceptance;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy, forever in the next. 2.  What effect is your attitude having on your family, relationship, and those around you?I share with the family: “I know I rant and rave about work sometimes, but I love you more than anything.  It helps me problem solve by talking about it, but I’ll solve it and I don’t want you to worry about it.”Children pick up on their parents’ stress.  (Children act out what their parents feel.)  Parenting is not reciprocal.  You give and give and give, and hope someday your children give the same to their children. Great relationships are the result of effort.  Great relationships often experience a crisis but come back stronger.   Treat your partner with the respect you would if you just met.Have positive events that are not work related.  (When your kids are little it will need to involve them.)  Develop traditions with your family. People react to a change in your behavior three months after the change is made. Ask the right people for guidance. It is people like you who make the work better. Stop being cynical – some people are just nice.
Accept that being a decent person is a difficult task and you are not immune to temptation.

Happiness is the byproduct of meaningful activities. Laugh!  I love when people use clichés incorrectly.  Remember the saying, “Work like you don’t need the money, and dance like nobody’s watching.”  A young woman told me, “My mom always says, “Dance like you don’t need the money.”  It’s a whole different visual! Enjoy a hobby!  I love writing mysteries, and I enjoy collecting emotional words from other cultures that we don’t have an English equivalent for.  Please send me some!  For Example:Gemutlichkeit (Germany) – You make me feel as comfortable as a warm caring home.Han Zu “Han She” (Mandarin Chinese) – When someone loves another but can’t tell them. Amae (Japan) – You can count on me, and I can trust you.Amaya (Japan) – Night rain.Khaur Xim “Kuzee” (Green Hmong) – Lost opportunity, regret, or desire to have something back.Nivatus (Latin) – Cooled by snow.Halcyon (Latin) – Care free and peaceful day.
Thanks for listening,

​Frank
Pierz football is once again in the state tournament.  Thank you coaches, players, families, band, fans, volunteers, etc.  It’s fun to enjoy the excitement you’ve created in our community!