Now That I Have Teens, I Can Finally Break Up With The Elf On The Shelf

Dear Herbie the Elf,

I feel as though it’s time we had a talk.

Ever since the day you and your weird smile came to us as a gift from my mother and the kids christened you “Herbie Ralph,” I’ve been composing this letter. Come to think of it, I should have known something was up when my mom laughed maniacally as she detailed the Elf on The Shelf myth.

I’ve been unhappy for a very long time and I bet that if you were honest with yourself, you’d admit that you, too, have known for a while that th...