Ask Sheila: I Don’t Want to Have Kids with My Husband!
On Mondays I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and lately I’ve started doing that through video, with links for even more posts that you can read on the same subject!
This one I thought I’d tackle with Rebecca, since she was home while we were getting ready for my in-laws’ 50th anniversary party.
It’s a long question (and we read it all in the video), but here’s the gist of it:
I’ve never wanted to be a mother. I was clear about this with my husband while we were dating, and he accepted it. Three years later, he now has a strong desire to have a child, but God still hasn’t placed that desire in me. We tried to conceive, but I stopped it when I saw he was continuing unhealthy behaviors like being really controlling and saying that he would kill himself if he didn’t have a child. He has shown no desire or initiative to work through either his issues with God or his suicidal thoughts. I told him I’m willing to try to have a child if he goes to counselling. He is offended by any implication that he’s unfit to be a father. Am I being unreasonable to ask sacrifices of my husband in return for my own? Am I just trying to justify a divorce in order to get out of becoming a mom?
That’s a big question! And I think there are two big issues here: Dealing with the fact that he is controlling and emotionally unfit to parent; and finding agreement on whether or not to have a child.
Rebecca and I tackle both of those here, in a really great discussion!
Okay, a few thoughts for those of you who don’t want to watch the whole video:
Don’t marry someone who isn’t emotionally able to raise a child.
No birth control method is 100% effective (we’ll be talking about that in the Wednesdays in October!), and even if you’d prefer to not have kids, you shouldn’t assume that you won’t. Sex causes pregnancy. If you’re going to have sex, you need to be mature enough and responsible enough to raise a child.
Marrying someone who doesn’t feel that they want kids yet or are ready for kids yet is different–someone may be emotionally healthy, but prefer to wait, and 9 months is enough time to get someone emotionally ready. But if they’re not emotionally able because of emotional trauma or other issues, that’s not a good situation. And someone who is controlling or abusive? Definitely not okay!
More posts that can help:
A Letter to a Woman with a Controlling Husband
How Do I Know if I’m Being Emotionally Abused?
10 Things to Know about Emotionally Destructive Marriages
I don’t think refusing to have any children at all is fair to your spouse
Honestly, having kids is probably the biggest part of my identity, other than my walk with Christ. It’s so much a part of who I am. I think our culture needs to bring back more of an appreciation for children!
I say some (potentially) controversial things in the video about this, but it does make me sad when a spouse’s instincts is to say, “no kids!” even if a spouse wants kids. That’s asking a lot. And kids should not be seen as a huge sacrifice.
More posts that can help:
If I Divorce My Spouse Will I Lose My Salvation? (okay, this question is about a different scenario than the one the reader is presenting here, but I think it’s important not to try to justify a divorce)
When You Want More Kids–but Your Husband Says He’s Done
When Your Husband Refuses to Use Birth Control
When Are We Ready to Have Kids?
I know this is a controversial topic, but let’s talk about it: Why do you think so many are reluctant to have kids today? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
