Open heart, guarded mind

I love this image because it reminds me of what a meditation teacher once told me–“When I started to practice meditation my mind was like an attic, filled with boxes and cobwebs. Twenty years later, it’s still an attic, with all the boxes and cobwebs, but there’s more room to get around inside.”

It was a revelation. I didn’t have to be perfect, ever! But that airplane advice to put on your own oxygen mask first? That I did have to pay attention to, and get myself sorted before I can be of use to others. If I don’t have enough sleep, I’m hangry, or just in a bad head space, I’m not doing anyone any good. But it starts with me. The powerful moment was realizing the agency that gave me, because all of those elements are within my ability to manage. I can go to be earlier, I can eat something, and–thanks to learning my mind through meditation–I can find something new to focus on to get away from anger. Even if it’s only briefly, my perspective is forever changed, unless I choose to go back and dredge up the worse feeling.

For me, this isn’t about, la dee dah, stay in your happy place! Bliss is not realistic 24/7. But I have a damn better shot of seeing at least some every day if I remember that my misery is optional. For a long time I didn’t know that, and it led down an alcoholic shame spiral. That was over 22 years ago, and it’s astonishing now how I didn’t see the power I had to change the dynamic. So, while sober, I attracted the same kind of misery, which was pretty hard to do, but I’m just that good.