Nobody Told Me That Writing and Parenting Are (Basically) The Same

November is fast approaching, and in preparation we’ve asked some participants to offer their best writing advice. Today, author Debora Hellinga shares her perspective on how to “raise” a story like a child:

There are a whole lot of theories and opinions concerning writing, authors, and books out there in the big wide mean world. How a room should be depicted or how it should have been depicted; how to describe or rather not describe characters; how to give unique voices to your characters, but (then again) don’t have too many characters because it’s hard to keep all these (imaginary?) people separated. When someone tells me that, I always wonder if they live in a world with only five people.

There are a lot of  ‘How To’ lists, books, articles, columns, and blogs out there in the ever bigger, wider, and meaner internet when it comes to writing. And, let’s be honest: it’s a mess. One page says you should outline your book down to every detail, then another article says you should just let your characters be free and explore the world on their own. One person says you should know your characters’ entire family history as far as five generations into the past, while another says it’s best to keep them ambiguous.

Honestly, writing feels a lot like parenting: everyone has their own techniques and methods and opinions, and everyone thinks they’re right.  

Then again — like children — every book is different. And let me tell you: those people are intriguing. How they manoeuvre through life and how they deal with events, both the ones they like and the ones that are far outside of their comfort zone and they don’t want to be confronted with. 

Every single individual has their own mind, their own hopes and fears, own past and present and future, own struggle with pain and own approach towards healing. They have inside jokes with friends and family which you and I would never understand; they have people who they admire and people who they deeply dislike. There are things they wish for, clothes they love, films they identify with, and there’s that one dish that they really like. In short, people are details.

This is what no one told me when I started writing; I had no idea that my characters would venture out into their world and have their little journey of life. When I first imagined them, I didn’t expect them to develop such unique voices on their own. What’s more, it’s endlessly frustrating to have to explain to others that the characters you created are having their own conversations and you aren’t even invited. 

In that sense, writing really is like parenting. Everyone has their opinions and methods concerning raising their child. Everyone is pretty vocal about their techniques and how amazing they are and how wonderful their child is. But nobody really talks about what it’s like when your child has been crying for six hours straight, or the shapes and colours of poopy diapers, or the intense rage a one-year-old can explode upon you. 

Nobody talks about the discussions you can have with your characters; how you can tell them for the 1000th time that all of you are going left, and that one stubborn character still does a U-turn. Nobody tells you how characters can keep you awake at night to tell you about that one summer night they thought they discovered the meaning of life only to be stabbed in the back by that so-called ‘True Love’ the next morning.

So, please allow me to tell you the raw truth: just like children, characters are exhausting. Keep a notebook near so you can write down what they have to tell you, so they’ll leave you alone and you can continue with your daily life. Plus, this way you’ll have all your ideas written out and in front of you whenever you might need them! And your characters are no longer chattering in your head, which is also nice if you want to sleep.

Debora Hellinga (24) currently lives in Groningen, the Netherlands, where she studies English Literature & Culture. Her first book ‘Red Dawn Rising’ is out now and is available via Amazon.co.uk, Waterstones, Gardners, and Bol.com