My imaginary conversation with the Clever Mr. Konrath

 Me:  Thanks for stopping by, ignore my cats.  I hope you're not allergic.  I have some drugs to help if you are.J A:  It's okay.Me:  Do you have pets?  I mean, besides 3 children.J A:  I have dogs.Me:  Can I call you Konnie?J A:  No why would - ?Me:  Because in my second book that's coming out soon, Disaster Relief Club, I named one of the characters Jules but everyone calls him Julie.  I think that's cool, kinda like how you named your main character Jacqueline but everyone calls her Jack.J A:  Have you read my books?Me:  Yes, I've read Whisky Sour and Bloody Mary.  Do you have a drinking problem?J A:  It's not a problem.Me:  That's what all the drunks say, do you have any confessions you'd like to make?J A:  I'm worried that I might not get out of here alive.Me:  I'm worried too -J A:  Oh -Me:  Words.  Like the word you coined, E-stribution, in "Be the Monkey".  I'm afraid it's like Kountry Cookin' or Komfort Coach.  You see?  I just don't want there to be any avenue to a self-publishing ghetto.J A:  Please be careful with that word.Me:  What, ghetto?  I will not.  The word itself is not the province of any group there have been Pink-collar, Jewish, African-American, Spanish, Gypsy, all that.J A:  On your head be it then.Me:  Oh Konnie, what am I going to do with you.  We're just two self-publishing geniuses sittin' around bullshittin' about the biz.  Ya' know, I have a confession to make. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to keep up with my reading so I multi-task.J A:  What do you mean?Me:  Well, I can't always do it, but when I can, I download the audio book and listen to it while I cook, or workout, or drive.  I know, it's crazy but what do you do otherwise?J A:  You work out?Me:  Well sure, I find the routine and discipline is important.J A:  The word Rubenesque does come to mind.Me:  Hey, writers are like cooks, don't trust the skinny ones.J A:  I've never heard that.Me:  I just made it up.  I've put on some weight since I started writing full time and it's hard to keep up ya' know?  I mean unless my ass is glued to my chair nothing gets done.  And I need those lemon wafers Konnie.  They're my writing power jewels.  For every scene I write I get three power jewels, it's like a video game.  Will you be my wizard?J A:  No.  I can't do that.  You see, I belong to the people.  They need me to lead the revolution.  All I can do is what I do so I need to keep doing and putting it out there and hope that it helps others on the same path.Me:  I get that.  I'll try to do that too.J A:  No. No, Fledgling, you just take care of yourself.Me:  But I want to help.J A:  You will be. Just. Um, keep a lid on the crazy.  I have to go I have another imaginary meeting to get to.Me:  Bon chance, Wizard.