Elon Musk Announces New Invention, Causes World’s First Mass Ejaculation Event
Elon Musk today unveiled his latest technological invention, and caused what his supporters claim was the world’s first “Mass Ejaculation Event” or MEE. In the first few minutes after Musk made the announcement on social media, scientists at seismic monitoring stations around the world reported a sudden uptick in seismic activity which, Musk supporters claim, was consistent with millions of men under the age of 40 involuntarily ejaculating at the news of Musk’s latest invention.
But just what was the earth-shattering announcement that caused the world’s first ever MEE?
A spokesman for Musk, Dave Bonehead, explained: “Elon’s newest invention is his most radical and unique, yet. He calls it the ‘wheel’, which is a device made in the shape of a perfect mathematical circle. Elon believes it will have many uses in numerous applications.”
[image error]When other commentators pointed out that the wheel had in fact been invented several thousand years ago and was already widely used, Bonehead elaborated: “They are missing the point. This is Elon Musk’s wheel. He has already drawn up plans for the ‘Really Fucking Big Wheel’ and even the playful ‘Silly Fucking Investors’ Wheel’, because Elon wants everyone to know he does have a sense of humour, so everyone will love him. Nevertheless, you have to understand that this also represents the source of Elon’s genius: by putting a profanity in the name of his inventions, he looks incredibly fashionable, because, before him, no one in the world had ever profaned in public. His brilliance knows no boundaries.”
However, a number of respected scientists from around the world were quick to issue a joint response to Musk’s ‘wheel’, which was posted to social media this afternoon and which read: “Dear Elon, just because you still can’t match what NASA was doing 40 years ago, that doesn’t mean you should act like a complete prick—however much you want future historians to record you as the poster boy for the Age of Stupid.”
[image error]Nevertheless, Bonehead remained positive, saying: “Firstly, everyone under the age of 40 knows that anyone over the age of 40 hasn’t got a fucking clue what they’re talking about, which is what Elon told me to say. Secondly, Elon is definitely on a roll. As he announces further unique inventions, we all know that a compliant media will publicise them without questioning their pointlessness, so we can expect more Mass Ejaculation Events in the near future—watch this space!”
Famous Sex Worker Contracts Sexually Transmitted Disease
There was widespread shock in England today when the most famous sex worker in the country was confirmed to have contracted the debilitating sexually transmitted disease Polonium Novoichok Extremis, known colloquially as ‘Russian Clap’.
Speaking from her luxury penthouse overlooking the river Thames, the sex worker, who goes by the pseudonym of ‘London’, told our reporter: “Obviously, I’m devastated. Everyone knows that for centuries, I’ve been more than happy to open my legs for anyone with money. I may not be in my prime anymore, perhaps not as beautiful as I was two or three hundred years ago, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to get such a nasty dose of Russian Clap. Really, I never had any trouble with those delightful Huguenots.”
However, doctors were confident that London would recover, providing that everyone just pretended nothing had happened. One leading gynaecologist said: “As always, we expect London will make a full recovery after the appropriate palliative care of turning a blind eye to international criminality, although of course we also expect that next year Brexit will leave her completely fucked anyway.”
