Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt

Today I am sharing a very intimate post written by my mother and Depression Cookies co-author, Angela Silverthorne. It's also a fitting answer to today's NaBloPoMo prompt.

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Can you imagine a yearseeking medical advice, going from one doctor to another with no answers, onlyan increase of symptoms? Can you imagine after a series of neurological testsand evaluations being told you have a "chronic and progressive movementdisorder, the cause is unknown; there is no cure; and it involves themalfunction and death of vital nerve cells in the brain" better known as Parkinson's?Can you imagine?A year later, can youimagine dealing with your own life's uncertainties and then the death of thewoman who helped rear you, your grandmother? Or the year after, imagine yourhusband having a heart attack, pacemaker, stint, and afterwards developinggrand mal seizures? And in the middle of all this, your mother who had been sickfor a year was told she had pancreatic cancer and only lived seven weeks. Overthe next two years, what might seem inconsequential to some, but devastating tome, was the loss of my seventeen and sixteen year old dogs. Can you imagine?

These events occurredbetween January 2004 and May 2011. If I had read these accounts in the paper orhad been told this by someone, my first response would be, "How did they manage?"That's when the imagination would end. I wouldn't want to go there. But I did.Can you imagine?In March 2011, I wastold a new machine would be coming to Duke University that would help diagnoseParkinson's. July 2011, the I-123 DaTscan was up and running. And on September 22,2011, I was their seventh patient to have the test. Ten days later, I was toldbeyond a shadow of a doubt that I did not have Parkinson's, any Parkinsonianrelated diseases, MS or ALS. I'd been on two Parkinsonian drugs for almostseven years. Can you imagine?

Today I am on a mountaintop. Looking back, I realize I made it. I made itthrough the trials. I laughed, I smiled, I had such intense joy Ican't even describe it—four more beautiful granddaughters and a treasure holdof precious time with my grandmother and mother before they died. God providedit all, not me.During my husband'smedical problems, we sat for hours wondering what would become of us, who wouldtake care of us, and truly began to understand what our "for better or forworse" vows meant. When I slipped into despair even for a moment, I sought God.An early morning sunrise on the river, a gorgeous sunset at the beach, or agranddaughter's funny face or remark filled my narrow vision. Every day was atrial, yet every day was filled to overflowing with God's love and grace. The Bibletalks about light and dark, salt and sweet; it was all there, every day. And Isaw it. Can you imagine?

Beyond my faith,Michael J. Fox has truly been an inspiration. I have treasured his perseveranceand determination. His words are a life lesson for all of us, "You know, there'sa rule in acting called 'Don't play the result.' If you have a character who'sgoing to end up in a certain place, don't play that until you get there. Playeach scene and each beat as it comes. And that's what you do in your life: youdon't play the result . . . Act as if it's the way you want it to be, and it'lleventually morph into that. Life is what you put into it and how much you takeout of it. You put in more than is expected, and you take out less than youwant."

Beyond a shadow of adoubt? A new lease on life? What do you do with that? Standing on themountaintop, I turn to look forward. Yes, the shadow is still there. I don'tknow what's coming. I do know there'll be another valley, there'll be moretrials, but I'm prepared – you don't play the result. And, beyond a shadow of adoubt, God will be there. Can you imagine?