In the Right Place
The funny thing about quitting drinking–I finally feel like I’m in the right place. There’s a quietness within me, and it’s not something I ever expected to be able to cultivate. But it’s there. Once, early on, I texted a sober friend and said, “I’m not upset about anything today.”
She texted back, “Sounds like you found some serenity.”
Huh.
I just didn’t think I was a serenity gal. I’ve always been all motion and action and drive and mania and DOING until I crash into my own wall and knock myself out. I’m both the hummingbird and the glass window, you know?
And it’s not about the quitting drinking, that’s the interesting part. A friend the other day said that alcoholism is like this: Hold up a sheet of paper. Rip off a small corner of it. That’s the alcohol. The rest of the sheet of the paper, that’s the alcoholism, the unquiet ever-freaking-out mind and body.
Working on giving that part of myself relief has brought some incredible peace into my life. I didn’t expect this when I quit. I expected to be boring, to be bored, to be no fun, to never HAVE fun again. Instead, I’m more present in my life than I have ever been before.
Today I have seven months. I haven’t quit forever, just for today, but those single todays add up over time, I guess, just like they say.
I’ve been going for short hikes lately in between writing sessions, and today, as I was walking, I saw, in front of me, the shadow of a leaf falling. It fell and spiraled–only the shadow–until the leaf caught up with its shadow on the ground, and they met.
I feel like I’ve been a shadow for a long time, and I’m meeting myself for the first time.
And for once in my whole damn life, I don’t feel guilty. I don’t need to be somewhere else, or to be outside my body. I don’t feel that unnameable but everpresent and overwhelming shame.
I just feel like me, and like that’s neither good nor bad–I just am.
(Yes, I joined a band this year and I’m contemplating taking up surfing. This might be a midlife crisis. If it is, I can recommend getting one. It’s delightful.)
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