08/07/2010

It’s been almost a month since Winnie passed away. I’m happy about one thing at least. I could hold her hand in her final moments. I’ve been really pissed with myself over the fact that I was so selfish. One thing I know for sure now… Never again! I’m pretty sure about it that something like this will never happen again.

To be honest, I wish I could put an end to my life the moment after I watched her succumb to death. I didn’t want to live in this world without her. But then I remembered her note. The note that is now my reason to live. I am more or less sure of one thing though. There is no way I’m falling in love again. I’m not made for love.

Someone who is far too naïve is not at all meant to be loved by someone. I’m not even sure I’ve truly loved anyone in my entire life. Of course I cared for Winnie more than myself but did I really love her? If I did, how was I able to doubt her in just a matter of seconds like that? Love is definitely something that is not made for me.

I’ve decided to keep on writing this diary. Why? Because I’m no longer in the groups I was before. After the incident, no matter what, I can’t seem to be able to live my facade. I’ve become a complete loner. I no longer hang out with my jock friends or the nerds. I just don’t have any intention of socializing anymore.

Maybe I’m just too scared of getting close to anyone ever again. Maybe it’s for the best. After all, I’ve spent a majority part of my life alone. I believe I can live the same way for years to come. It is the best option with the least amount of pain. Besides, since I’m no longer privileged with the freedom to even end my worthless being, it seems like the best thing to do.

I’ll just write my feelings in this little notebook. The notebook that serves as a memory of our time together. The notebook that helps me relive all the good times we had together. Even if it was for a very short duration, it was the best time of my life. I’ll just keep writing. Maybe in hopes that the part of her that still lives on in this diary might enjoy my writing and accept my apology. And maybe even forgive me for not being the man I was supposed to be for her…