17/05/2010

I AM SUCH A DESPICABLE PERSON!!!

I’ve been such a fool. Such a disgrace to be called a man. How was I so foolish? Why couldn’t I have been more open minded and mature? I was so selfish, thinking I was the one who was betrayed that I didn’t realize I had betrayed her instead. How could I have not been there for her? I’m so sorry at this point that I don’t know what to do.

I’ve realized now that there are always two parts of every story. I didn’t know hers and I was quick to judge. If only I knew, I could’ve been there for her more. I couldn’t even stop myself from crying today when I saw her in the hospital. I could see how much pain she was in. The doctors had come to the conclusion that there was no way of saving her.

The internal bleeding and all the trauma was too much. All that morphine pumped into her was barely suppressing the pain enough. As it turns out, the rest of the story goes like this… In the afternoon Winnie was on her way to the local beauty parlor when she was involved in a hit and run. The police were still trying to find the culprit.

As for me? I was being stuck up thinking she had stood me up while here she was fighting for her life. There aren’t words in any dictionary of any language to really express the disgust and anguish I feel. She was unconscious the whole time I was with her. Her family was crying outside as I held her hand in that small cramped up hospital room.

I can’t even write anymore. What am I supposed to write now? That I was a demon in human skin? That I was sitting all so mighty on my high horse while the one I loved was going through so much suffering? I would be the worst boyfriend in the history of time. Wow, even cursing myself doesn’t seem to make me feel better.

It doesn’t help that her mother passed me her note that she had managed to scribble before passing out into a coma. I can never forget the words written in it. It was more like those words were to be inscribed into my heart. Words that would always make me bleed inside but at the same time be the words that will forever change my life.

“I’m sorry about the Prom. I know you must be hurt. Whatever happens, know that I love you and know that it will give me happiness to know that you’re fine. I love you. Wish we could have had more time.”