a question

ruzz asked me a question that goes to the core of my being. he asked because he knows that our experiences are similar. i want to give him an answer. so i sat down twenty minutes ago and tried to craft what i needed to say, but i found myself deleting everything, and then i thought of my grandpa and i realized that it is 13 days until THAT day, and i can't bring myself to be self-reflective until two weeks from now (and even then i'll need a rest) cause all i can really do is tread water, and spit out what i choke on, and try to float as much as i can so that everyone around me is safe and i don't descend into my madness and i don't end up medicated and i can function. sorry, ruzz. i want to answer you. i will. but not now.

love, jude