Finding Myself in a Mountain of Clutter

I look at this huge room that’s 30 by 20 feet and see floor-to-ceiling clutter – things with tags on them, never used, nice things. And I ask myself, “Why?”

How could I buy so many nice things with the best intentions, only to toss them into a pile in the basement? All this stuff I’ve accumulated over the years has no meaning and very little value now. It no longer brings any joy (if it ever did to start with). The wasteful spending and the clutter left in its aftermath are crushing my spirit. Yet the thought of letting go is almost paralyzing.

Answering the question of why

We had necessities growing up, but no luxuries. I was an only child and sheltered. The demands to perform and achieve started at age 5 in ballet, tap, and baton classes. As I grew older, I sang in choir and played the piano in church. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college and go on to be an honors graduate from grad school. This was not my choice, but my parents’ choice that I must get “an education.”

I got my first job at 15 and was thrilled to have it. I attended a parochial school and we all wore uniforms, (no clothing choices) which I loathed. My job at an upscale shoe store gave me the opportunity to start seeing what people from more affluent lifestyles purchased. I saved my paychecks to shop for my own clothes and for things I wanted. Being able to buy just a few things for myself gave me a new sense of freedom. It was a high, like I had never experienced.

A pattern slowly began to evolve over the years, but I never realized or saw it coming. I began to value things, instead of placing any value on myself. I was brought up to honor my mother and father. Why do I not honor myself? The fact that I never learned to value myself crushes my soul.

Looking back, I see a direct correlation between my most “difficult life moments” and my shopping and buying trends. But the joy I felt at the store soon faded away – sometimes in a week or two and sometimes before I ever made it home. At the store, I viewed it as beautiful or necessary. But once I was home with it, the joy was short-lived.

This much I know is true

I think I developed a coping mechanism for the stress, starting at age 5. I was so busy trying to please people, and make others happy, that I lost myself in the process. I placed more value on my stuff than I did on myself.

Clutter is mentally distracting and emotionally draining. Shopping and having more than you need does not bring peace of mind, fulfillment or contentment. It does not give you any more time. It does not make you feel better about yourself. My basement, overflowing and overwhelming, proves the point.

We don’t buy things with our money. We buy things with our precious time. Having more things means having to spend more time taking care of them, keeping them clean, neat, organized and functional – or spend even more time searching for stuff that’s lost in the mountains of clutter. I’m now putting a time value on all purchases, which has really been a game changer for me.

Focusing on myself and my needs is a much better use of my time than shopping. I don’t need or want any more stuff. What I want is to value myself more. That’s the very best gift I can give myself, and it truly is a gift. You can never buy self-worth.

In my journey towards minimalism, I am learning that experiences and memories make me happier than anything I could ever buy. As for the basement, I’ve committed to cleaning it out little by little, one day at a time. And I’m doing it for me.

Reesa-Marie Dawkins teaches statistics for the University of Alaska. She lives near Atlanta, Georgia with her husband Bob. [Editor’s note: Reesa is an active member of my Unclutter.com Organizing Support Group on Facebook. This is a closed group, which means that only members can see member comments and photos. We invite you to join us in the fight against clutter!]

Photo by Christian Chen on Unsplash

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