23/10/2009

Maybe I should really think about writing entries on some other day. It’s becoming rather dull really. Anyway, what should I write about today? Maybe some instance from my life. Hmm… What should it be? I’ve got so many memories to choose from. Which one should I decide upon?

Honestly, I’ve got no idea really! Being popular has in a way left me crippled. It’s like my mood won’t let me write as much as I want to. Maybe I should stop writing for a while. It might help. One does not get inspiration everyday right? I should probably let it run its course instead of forcing it. Nothing good can come out of forcing someone to do something.

I got it! Yeah… I guess I should write about the time I was forced to do something. The one thing every teenager hates. The one thing that can even manage to creep into the otherwise thick skin of the most stubborn of kids. The one thing that we call “Studying”.

Yes, just like any other parent, my folks too want me to study and be a great man. The world has a population of about 6 billion people according to the last census. Is there really a dimensional plane possible wherein all of them will be able to be great? I don’t really think so.

So yeah, whenever my parents asked me to study, I rebelled. It was more or less expected of me right? A bipolar kid who actually had issues dealing with his own emotions is already half a rebel. Why not go all the way and complete the circle of life?

I still remember the antics I used to pull. I’d make excuses about being sick, hide novels in between the school books while studying, listen to music, sit in the bathroom. The list is pretty long honestly. I’m surprised myself how my brain came up with so many solutions so easily and so spontaneously. I sometimes wish I had the same talent in class when it came to solving simultaneous equations.

People may not believe it now but I was a nerd a while ago. A total nerd at that. I was in the top ranking list of students too. However, it never really did make me happy. I learned pretty young that rising up to the expectations of others sometimes lead them to have higher expectations. And in the attempt you make at pleasing them and fulfilling what they expect from you, you might end up a very unhappy person.

Yup, maybe that too was a reason behind me going downhill with my emotions. Expectations can be a great deal of punishment to some. Statistics show that too. Just google how many suicides take place due to students failing in exams and their parents’ expectations and one can see for themselves their effect.

Honestly, why do people expect in the first place? Why isn’t a person left alone to live his or her own life the way he or she wants? Why is a person forced to live on the rules set by someone else? Isn’t it a form of oppression? Is it really justice? Is it really humane?

If someone would ask me, I’d definitely say no but then again… Who really asks for my opinion? Even my friends just want to just have their opinions heard. Of course they’d ignore my opinions if they were asked about their opinions on listening to mine. You had to find a voice in a crowd full of angry teenagers. For someone like me, that was never going to happen. More than half of the parties I hosted were because my so called friends pushed me.

I’m not really one to follow rules but it was required of me to have a healthy social life in order for me to avoid going back to some other shrink who’d try and analyze me, asking stupid questions that I will not answer no matter what. Phew… That was a long sentence but that’s just the way I am. Why can’t they figure it out?

So I continue to live a lie as always. Why? Because of expectations I guess. Expectations from parents, from society, from every other guy or girl you meet. I did find out I could reduce the level of expectations by seldom living up to them, but it’s also true that it isn’t applicable in each and every situation.

It’s just the way life works. You can’t have it all. You win some and you lose some. And in the battle against expectations, one may win the war but will eventually and always lose the battle no matter what the circumstances or how headstrong the person is.

Sometimes, it just can’t be helped. And in my life, in all honesty and from the bottom of my heart, it’s most of the times. I can even swear on it even if God will hate me for taking his name in vain.