01/01/2009

Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday dear James…. Happy Birthday to me.

Lame but yeah… That’s the only birthday wish I’m getting this year. I’ve got birthday wishes before but they were from people only there because my parents had called them. Free chips, dips and cake would bring in a ton of toddlers even if they hated the star of the party. Well… some star I was, always sitting in the corner wearing that stupid birthday cone on my head.

Yup! That cone was my “Dunce Cap”. One that my parents adorned me with oblivious to the fact that they were forcefully humiliating me socially and psychologically. And as I sat there watching other people make merry on the day that was supposed to be all about me, I realized another sad part of being born on the first of January.

‘My birthday is going to be something everyone will celebrate except for me.’

Well back to topic. This is my 17th Birthday and I’m sitting in my room all alone writing a diary. I don’t even know why I bothered to pick up this diary again and write in it. It’s been a while though. More than a year and a half I guess according to my last entry. I used this diary to scribble down poetry and flash stories when I was bored in class Anyway so… yeah…

Now that I’ve stopped going to my shrink, it’s more or less a waste anyway to write entries. I mean who would bother reading all the crap I spew into this? Not that he would’ve read it either.

“Just write what you feel. It might be a good outlet,” I recall him saying.

Outlet? Sure is… I get to record all the embarrassing, unsettling, shitty memories in my life. If I added any more adjectives, I might go off the bridge and end up making this a book unfit for reading by minors. But then again, who am I kidding? Thinking someone would actually read this, I’m surely out of my mind!

I seriously can’t understand why I’m writing this really. Is it because I have no friends? Could be. Or is it just because I’m weird? I’m so confused right now. Confused… That sure brings back memories. I was so confused with the whole Jamie ordeal that I thought I should give it another try.

Yeah. I must be out of my mind. Don’t know what came over me. Maybe because I didn’t have a girlfriend and wanted a female perspective of things, I might’ve triggered the release of estrogen hidden away in some corner of my freakish body. And so Jamie was given life for another day.

I remember it clearly… That day when I ran out of the school wearing the skirt that I had stolen, I ended up running into Jennifer. I was so glad that she didn’t recognize me but it sure was one hell of a conversation.

“Watch where you’re running bitch!” I remember her shouting with her face all shriveled up.

I didn’t really enjoy being all sprawled across on top of her either but it couldn’t be helped. What was worse, I couldn’t say anything in reply. I mean sure I looked like a girl but I was certain I wouldn’t sound like one. So all I could do was get up from on top of her and help her up.

“What? Cat got your tongue? Or you just plain dumb? Don’t you know you should apologize?”

I knew I was the one who was responsible but I could only nod in response. I wasn’t sure who would be more embarrassed if she knew I was a boy and not a girl. I thought should at least hold my ears in order to show that I was apologetic since I couldn’t speak.

“Whatever,” she said in a pissed tone. “You even managed to knock down my soda all over us. Good job.”

I just stood there dumbstruck. The wetness kind of didn’t hit me till she actually pointed it out. Guess I should’ve gotten out of there quick but then again, I was never quick enough.

“Follow me… You’re helping me change,” she commanded and grabbed my hand pulling me back to the girls’ locker room.

I felt embarrassed as I walked in. Thank God the locker room was empty except for the two of us. Jenny pulled out a T-shirt from her bag before asking me to hold the bag for her. I immediately turned around, my ears red with embarrassment.

“What? You’ve never seen yourself in the mirror before?”

I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. Wait… Rotten? There was a girl changing there right behind me. Jeez… What the hell! I didn’t want her to think of me as a pervert. But, it might be the only chance for me to get a look. Argh! Why was it so hard to make a decision?

“Well… I’m just glad you ain’t a perv,” she said from behind me.

What? Does a girl looking at a girl come off as perversion? Wait… I’m a guy! I guess my brain was going bonkers or something because nothing seemed to be going right.

“Aren’t you going to change? You got the soda on your shirt too.”

Those words struck me like lightning. I was in trouble for sure.

“You ain’t got a spare shirt or what?”

I just shook my head to say no without looking back at her.

“It’s okay to look you know. I’ve already changed.”

When I turned, she took her bag out of my hand and grabbed another T-shirt from inside.

“It’s cool. I always carry extras. I play tennis after school. Beats walking home sweaty. You’re lucky I haven’t got practice today.”

I grabbed the T-shirt and looked at her with eyes wide.

“What? Okay, I’ll turn around. I promise not to look so get changed already.”

I’ve never changed so quick in my life as I did back then. Boy was I scared of being found out. I was almost shivering in my skirts. Yes skirts. I was wearing girl clothes after all. Not my proudest moment but what the hell right? I had come this far.

Finally I did get out of the locker room and managed to get home but not before running into Brian again. Oh I guess I forgot to mention the second meeting with Brian in my last entry. Yeah. I ran into the douche again. And there he was drooling over me again. I wonder what he would do if he ever knew I was a guy and he was drooling all over me.

“Who’s your girlfriend Jenny?” he asked.

“You don’t have to know you dumbass. Now get out of the way,” she replied curtly.

“Come on. Stop being a bitch,” he said grabbing her hand. ‘Give me a kiss and you’re free to go.”

“In your dreams!” Jenny said spitting on his face.

I watched him wipe his face, rage burning in his eyes.

“You bitch!” He screamed raising his hand in order to hit her.

I didn’t know what came over me but I just swung at him without even realizing it. Boy did that feel good. No wonder these bullies do it all the time. Maybe I should make a habit of it. Anyway, before he could recover I grabbed Jenny’s hand and made a run for it. We were out of the school in seconds and panting on the sidewalk of a nearby street.

“You know…” Jenny panted. “You may not be as meek as I thought you were when we met. You sure gave it to him nice.”

And there was my dilemma again. I couldn’t say a word. I just nodded in response.

“You should talk more often you know. Anyway, I’ve got to meet some friends at the arcade. You can return me the shirt later on. Here’s my address,” she said taking out a pen from her jeans and writing down her address on my hand. “See you around.”

And then she was gone. It all happened so fast that I couldn’t even make much sense out of it. Well, anyway, since she had given me the address to her place, becoming Jamie one more time was inevitable.

It took me a week’s practice to get the voice right. I recall all those painful practice sessions alone in my room. I finally did get it right too. So I thought it was finally time for me to go meet Jenny. I recall how sweaty I got, without even playing tennis, when I walked to her place one evening. Luckily my parents weren’t home to see me walk out of the front door, dressed as a girl.

“Hey! I never got your name you know,” Jenny said when she opened the door and found me standing there.

“Jamie.”

“Jenny. Don’t just stand there, come on in,” she said pulling me in by my hand.

Her room sure was something different. There was pink everywhere. I never knew people could have so much pink stuffed into one room. Pink pillows, pink teddy bears, pink bed sheets, pink wardrobe… It was literally bathed in pink. If Jenny would be wearing pink instead of the white PJs she was in, I was sure she would’ve camouflaged herself like some chameleon.

“You know what? That bloke Brian never bothered to harass me again. Guess your punch really got to him.”

Oh yeah… Brian did get the shock of his life getting punched in front of his friends by a girl. He kind of became the laughing stock because he was down on the floor with a single hit. Too bad for him that people would always think he was knocked out by a girl. I guess he’ll never overcome the embarrassment as long as he lives.

“Glad I could help,” I managed to say wearing a practiced smile.

What was weird was the fact that I was, for the first time in my life, having a real time conversation with a girl without creeping her out. I guess it was the skirt and the wig.

“I’ve never seen you at school before. Where you from?”

Now this was what I was practicing all week for.

“I just came to meet my cousin James. That’s why I was in the school. I couldn’t find him and then well… You know the rest.”

Perfect! I’m sure she would not ask much about it since I mentioned my own name. The rest of the time we just chatted. She told me all about her hobbies and stuff and asked me questions like where I was from and all that. My cover story was fool proof. After all, I spent all week preparing it.

So that’s how it went. The first real conversation I had with a girl, was while pretending to be one. I sure did grow from that experience. I grew enough to finally talk to people. Busted out of my shell. It’s kind of amusing how one little act of insignificance to many may prove to bring about a drastic change in someone else’s life.

Of course Jamie was put to rest in a tomb of imagination from where she came, but I guess I would always be thankful to her. After all, she was the one responsible for getting me to start hanging out with people. Even got me social enough that my parents thought I no longer needed a shrink.

Only I know the truth behind it all. The facade that I’ve set up in order to prevent peeping eyes of the easily deceived from looking at the reality within. I have come to live a lie that would soon become my life. I wonder how long it will be that way. I wonder how long it will take for it all to end. For better or for worse… I kind of wish that day would arrive sooner than later.