Bring on the fingerprint scanners

After this morning and the hours I spent organizing my bills and apps for the new month a few days ago, I am over technology.

Like...if there was a tradeoff where I wouldn't have to enter a password or answer security questions ever again, but I had to submit to an anal probe once a month, I'd schedule the appointment today.

I now keep 4 pages of my Bullet Journal just for passwords and logins. BECAUSE YOU NEED A LOGIN AND PASSWORD FOR EVERYTHING. I have avoided some websites and store fronts because I don't want to deal with yet another damn password. My brain is too full.

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For real, I have tried to come up with a password that meets all the expectations of all websites, but I think it would take a supercomputer to come up with such a beast, and even then, I'd never remember the fucking thing,

I'm going to sound real old here, but there was once a time where you could just have words as you password. You know...that thing that has "WORD" in it? "Password" used to be the most popular password. And I'd wager it wasn't because the people using it were stupid, but because folks like me are just so goddamn over remembering how to login.

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I was riding the struggle bus for quite some time with remembering all my passwords, but I did get a bullet journal layout done and was happily able to find the information I needed to get into sites I wanted. 

Until...one day I get a notification. 

To keep your information secure, we recommend you update your password.

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Don't let the "recommend" part fool you. They don't give you a choice. *old woman grumble*

Fucking fine. I'll change it. I get out my notebook and whiteout my old password and write in the password I plan to use. After that I turn back to my computer and type in my NEW password. 

But instead of taking me to where I need to go, I get a pop up...

Your password must contain capital letter, numbers, and at least one of the following characters.

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I get my whiteout back out and cover up a password that never even got the chance to shine. But I remember I used to have a password that might have met these requirements, and since I'd used it before, I stood a slight chance of remembering it.

So over the second layer of whiteout I write in my new new password. 

Typing this brilliant and not completely obscure password into the box, I tell the computer to update my password.

So I'm done right? Oh, fuck no. Now the box says...

The password cannot be one you've used in the last five years.

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I make up something I know I'm never going to remember with out getting out my notebook, but whatever. At this point I'm ready to be done with this task.

​After I disclose my blood type and answer ten security questions including what my hamster's favorite color in second grade was, the damn website decides it's still not good enough.

Now I need to verify the change by entering a code from a text message they'll send me.

A TEXT TO A PHONE NUMBER I NO LONGER HAVE!

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Oh, but don't worry. I can change the phone number by entering a different code sent to an email. Which is sent to an also outdated email address. Thank goodness for my four pages of logins and passwords. But...plot twist...when I go to login into my old email...wait for it...

I HAVE TO UPDATE THE PASSWORD TO GET INTO MY EMAIL

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So basically, what I'm saying is, I'm ready to sign whatever waiver they want. Give me a fingerprint scanner, give me a retina scanner, fuck...I'll bleed into a computer if it lets me not need passwords.

I gave up on getting my passwords updated for now. I need a break. I'm off to read a book. Maybe I'll read a historical. Something with NO COMPUTERS.

​~Roxy