Certain Commas and Why I Hate Them: A Rant

This is the first official rant post to ever be published on this blog. That's actually really impressive, too, because I am a very rant-y (shush, let me make up words in peace) person and I've been blogging for over 4 years.

Let's all take a moment to appreciate my incredible self-control up until this point....And also take a few seconds to mourn my loss of said self-control.

So what's the topic that is making me break my rant fast? Punctuation rules. More specifically, commas.

Please be warned: If you are a punctuation-lover, this post will probably offend you and/or make you very upset. I'd apologize, except it's people like you that have been offending me and/or making me very upset for years, so hah. It's payback time.
Okay, let me give you a slight history of me and commas. I was born into a long line of English teachers. My grandmother taught English. My mom taught English. My aunt teaches English. And I actually work at the Writing Center at my college, so I technically also teach English.

Now, I grew up in a good, English-respecting household. My Mom did her best to teach me the Ways of the Comma. However, though I was born into of a long line of English teachers, I was also born into a long line of rebels. That would be my Dad's fault, mostly, given that he basically has never seen a rule he didn't want to break, and also given the fact that most of his relatives have, at some point in time or another, been in jail. Sooooo, yeah. Rule-breaking is in my blood.

(I have a weird extended family. It's probably best if we don't speak of them further)
What I'm saying is: I never stood a chance. I was born to want to break rules. In my mind, they are annoying constructs forced on me by people who I don't know and thus have zero respect for. Like, who are these people who decided which commas go where? Who died and made them the Comma Overlords? This is probably some Shakespeare crap where they just made stuff up and now, hundreds of years later, people just kind of go with it because they don't really have the spirit to break free.

But me? I have the spirit. I'm not taking this comma junk lying down. (#FightTheMan)

So what is it, exactly, about commas that I don't like?

Well, if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you've probably noticed that my punctuation is not perfect. Some of that is because I genuinely messed up and forgot to put a comma somewhere (my bad). But some of it is that I really, really don't see the need for certain types of commas.

Take commas between two independent clauses, for example.

Now, for those of you who don't remember (or, like me, tried to block it from their mind because they really didn't like learning about any of this): An independent clause is basically just a string of words that can stand alone as a sentence. Two independent clauses in one sentence are often connected by coordinating conjunctions, which is just a snooty way to describe words like and, but, yet, for, etc. Behold:

Hannah rants at random people about her hatred of commas between independent clauses, and these random people usually turn and run from her.

See? See that red comma above? It's supposed to be there and I hate it. It's very personal.

Because WHY? Why is that there?? The comma could be abducted by aliens and you would still be able to understand the sentence just fine. In fact, the sentence would look prettier because it wouldn't have some random comma loafing around, begging for attention:

Hannah rants at random people about her hatred of commas between independent clauses and these random people usually turn and run from her.

So yeah. I hate that. It has no functional use and just wastes space. I'm a fairly practical person when it comes to certain things and commas fall into that "certain things" category. So if you've ever noticed that I don't put commas between some of my independent clauses, hear me now:

It's not because I don't understand that there's supposed to be a comma there. I do understand. I understand and I rebel. If there was such a thing as a Comma Assassin, I would be the proud ringleader. (#DownWithTheCommaOverlords)

You wanna know what else? No? Well, too bad. I'm going to tell you anyway:

I have zero problem with commas preceding pretty much any coordinating conjunction that isn't "and." For example, I'm in love with these green commas:

Hannah rants at random people about her hatred of commas between independent clauses, but her blog followers still put up with her. 

Hannah rants at random people about her hatred of commas between independent clauses, yet she hasn't gone to Grammar Jail yet.

Hannah rants at random people about her hatred of commas between independent clauses, for she refuses to give in to the Comma Overlords. 

And I do, in fact, have a logical explanation for this (kind of).

See, when people read they usually pause a little bit when they come up against a comma. In the above sentences, I want my readers to pause a bit at the green commas. It gives the sentence a nice flow. However, the hated red comma? I don't want my readers pausing at "and" in the above sentence. I want my "and" to be like a bridge, letting one clause effortlessly run into another.

And that's how I use my commas. I use them to dictate how my readers read a sentence. And I know, I know. "That's not what commas are for. There are rules." (And yes, I know "for" was not supposed to go at the end of that sentence. We'll talk about that in another post)

Yes. Well. I don't like those rules. They're stupid. If a comma has no functional use and if its removal (or addition) doesn't change how a reader understands the sentence, then why does it need to be there? If I'm going to implement something, I need it to have a clear purpose beyond, "Because our society has randomly agreed to this." Because you know what? Our society is wrong about a lot of things and comma placement is one of those things.

*takes deep breath*

Okay. So that's one of the many things I hate about commas. While it is specifically the "put a comma between independent clauses, Hannah" rule that I dislike, there are others.

Like that time people decided the Oxford comma wasn't actually important.
C'mon, people! Are there some sentences that technically don't need this comma? Sure. But there are others that will be severely damaged by not using it, so use. the. Oxford. comma. Don't try to argue with me on this because you are just really, really wrong and you're bringing dishonor on you, your family, and your cow.

Okay.

I think I'm done now.

Oh, wait. I'm not.

This is usually where you'd expect me to say something like, "So just go put commas wherever you want and don't learn any of the rules!"

Well, you'd expect wrong because, though I do come from a line of rebels, I also come from a line of English teachers. So I'll tell you this:

Learn the rules. Seriously. It's easier to make fun of something when you know a lot about it.

Which is why I know a lot about a lot of random topics. Not because I particularly care about being super smart or well-rounded. I just like mocking things (that's why I read and watched Twilight). I realize this isn't healthy, though, so maybe don't follow in my footsteps.

So the bottom line is this: Learn where commas do and don't go. And then put them where you want to.

Unless you're sending a business email or publishing a book, in which case: Follow the rules. Yes, I do this and yes, it crushes my soul. But my anarchist spirit would go haywire if I had to read a bad review of a book or somehow lost a job because The Man didn't like my comma placement.
Fun fact: I literally don't add these commas into my manuscripts until right before publication because I hate looking at them and don't want to see them every time I read through a draft.*sigh*

It's hard being me.

What about you? Are there any commas that you have a (totally rational) hatred or love for? Let's hear 'em! Unless you hate Oxford commas, in which case: No. You're wrong. Get out.

Have writing, reading, or writer's life questions? Use the hashtag #ChatWithHannah below or on social media to have them answered on my Youtube channel!
Related articles:
I mean...this is my first straight-up rant post, but here are a few where I rant in an instructional tone:
Writing Strong Female Characters: What You're Doing WrongWriting Teenage Characters: What You're Doing Wrong
Why You Shouldn't Listen to Writing Tips Blogs

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