On Forcing Myself to Fall Asleep

A bad writing day, week, month, year is the daylight version of forcing myself to fall asleep (credit where credit’s due: my therapist threw that pearl out there in our first session and I knew I was in the right office), a day, a week, a month, a year, in which I push myself to close my eyes and dream the dreams of my dreaming only to stare at a screen rife with forced words, the wrong words, that lead nowhere and signify nothing but a failure to get out of my own way.

In Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Shunryu Suzuki says:

“You become discouraged with your practice when your practice has been idealistic. You have some gaining idea in your practice, and it is not pure enough. It is when your practice is rather greedy that you become discouraged with it. So you should be grateful that you have a sign or warning signal to show you the weak point in your practice. At that time, forgetting all about your mistake and renewing your way, you can resume your original practice… Even in wrong practice, when you realize it and continue, there is right practice.”

Best to look at it as a warning sign, the opening of a path back to right practice – to realize, to recognize, and to continue: just to write, just to sleep; abandon the gaining ideas – the I musts, the I shouldbeabletos – and continue. To always continue.

(TW)