I Am Me – a realisation
I have recently discovered how much I’ve changed, and I tell you it’s scary and weird but the realisation has suddenly given me a sense of self confidence that I’ve always been incapable of feeling I have. That feeling is something I want to hold onto because I finally feel I am speaking my mind and telling people how it is, how I really feel and that I am not to be stood on like a fucking fag.
I now feel that I am a person that knows what I want and who I am but not completely because knowing thyself is always a constant journey and our experiences both past and present always contribute to our perspectives changing and I think I quite like that.
I know that I’ve been abused and let down so much in the past, that I am literally past trying to impress or even get to know people, it’s not that I’m completely disconnected from society but that I don’t feel the need to validate myself. People have shown me how selfish and fake they can be and that is enough for me to give up but I know there are so many good people that are like no other.
It doesn’t disarm the fact that people don’t connect with me well as an average person would. My trouble has always been connecting with people and I get to a point where I exposure myself to situations and try to be more talkative, be more smiley, kind, funny but people don’t want to know me or they just see me and that’s it, they don’t really see the real me.
It’s like I’m an ant, a pest that needs to be destroyed. Does it bother me? A little but I get over it because I know that’s what I’m used to. Do I need to change and do more for small talk, deep conversations, friendships and relationships? At this moment, no because honestly, I’m sick of it. Call me pathetic but I think I’m naturally not interested in all that and as for deep conversations, no one around me really gives a fuck – hey ho.
Have I become selfish? Impatient? YES – I have and I finally understand why these traits are needed for me because I’ve been through trauma that only I know how I’ve felt and the lack of love, compassion and misunderstanding I’ve faced.
My trauma is the direct result of being selfless and being way to patient, taking people shit, letting people talk to me and then they used to it, and they keep throwing punches – and what has it led to? Pain and being taken advantage of.
Who wants to live a life of constantly being stood on? Letting people take away your sanity, humour and passion. No one has that right. I have so many passions that people have been aware of but I’ve constantly been put down and what have I done? Listed to them and moved away from what I want to achieve.
People may look at me and think I’m pessimistic but they don’t know me and have never really bothered to get to know me – so why should I try to be something that is suited to them? Or even explain myself.
My experiences are what have evolved me into what I am today and I am certain I will constantly change for the betterment of myself – what I know about me is what is real and what I know I want in life for my own self development is what I believe in and want to be.
I know there is a deep side to me that is caring, loving, understanding and willing to listen and understand carefully. I recognise sadness in people or pain that others have no time to realise, they just see one side but I can see beyond that and want to help and make a difference to people’s life.
My escape has always been things that are self-destructive but the passion for wanting to be something and do something has always been there even if I’m a self-destructive, narcissistic sadistic.
I am me and hope I don’t get to point of giving up because I appreciate my life and more importantly what I have – I have always been content materialistically but lacked affection to the point that you start to become a sort of boring person, because you don’t like things and you value morals and principals more than temporary assets.
People don’t care about that boring shit; they want and want the things that in reality, do not matter to some extent.
Do I feel sorry for myself? yes but I get on with life and just do my thing, I don’t let it drag me down or make my problems as important as the next person.
Do I need help? Probably but circumstances are, well just too bloody complex to even explain. Ah.
DCVN – Lonley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py0XAe74fMI
