Laughter Lines - Just A #Joke

I put this post together to fill one of my Sunday slots a few weeks ago, but since then have had enough other stuff to post that I've already rescheduled it several times. I think it's about time it got posted, so I'm posting it today.

The following jokes were taken from among those in the Smorgasbord Laughter Lines catagory of Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life. Check out the rest by reading the posts in that catagory.

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A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827

Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”

***~~~***

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years.

After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard,’ he says. He is promised the problem will be looked into.

Another five years passes and this time his two words are: ‘Food cold.’ Again his
superiors promise to take care of the problem.

Five years later his two words are ‘I quit’.

His superiors look at each other wearily. ‘We are not in the least bit surprised,' they reply. 'You have done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!’

***~~~***

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

***~~~***

“In English,” the English professor said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

***~~~***

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

***~~~***

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”