Coroner's Report: Self-inflicted Lobotomy

Old classmates were so disheartened to learn that our jovial high school friend had passed away from a self-inflicted lobotomy that they inquired if I would personally investigate this unexpected tragedy a little further since the coroner's office is next door to a biker bar I used to frequent back in my bad-boy days.

Stepping outside the morgue room, the balding, rather congenial pathologist removed his rubber gloves and wiped his brow.

"Jimmy was an old friend," I explained, catching an unfortunate glimpse of a shrouded body reposing stiffly on a table.

"I see," he nodded. "It was the television that did it. Television is the leading cause of self-inflicted lobotomies in America."

"Was it the regular programming or the advertisements?"

"Usually it is a combination of the unrelenting dopiness of both."

"You will get no argument from me on that count, Doc."

"Was he a sports fan?"

"Jimmy was a sports maniac. Anything from football to golf to ping pong to water skiing."

"Then it was the advertisements. Regular television programming is aimed at your everyday morons who have given up on their precious inheritance of time. Sports advertising targets the certified, nose-picking imbeciles who should have been institutionalized years ago."

"Once upon a time, Jimmy read books and took his dog for walks in the woods. Then the dog died."

"No wonder he gave up on life so young," concluded the pathologist, sadly shaking his head for about the millionth time.