Ninja Phil!- Episode 1- Hell ‘O Ninja!
Episode 1
Hell ‘O Ninja
By
Bridget Chase
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Copyright © 2018 Bridget Chase
The right of Bridget Chase to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First Published in 2018
By Chase Entertainment
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be circulated in any form or binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
NINJA PHIL!
Higgs fucked with his hair.
“It’s always a freakin’ disaster in the morning.”
His beard was matted the one side of his face.
Higgs stood by the coffee maker.
“How’d you sleep?” Phil asked. He sat at the breakfast table with a big ‘o new paper held in his hands.
Higgs didn’t turn around. He poured coffee grounds into the filter.
“Well, I think I am finally over this cold.”
Phil bobbed his head, “Good, good; guess next time you go to Atlantis, you’ll think twice about making out with the hot women folk there.”
“You can say that again,” BING! Coffee was ready. Thank god! Higgs moved the mug to his lips.
The TV announcer’s voice floated in the background; a sudden explosion of static followed by a new voice, drew our morning hero’s attention.
“Dad!” He turned around.
His father’s face was on TV.
But he’s dead? This can’t be.
But it was.
“Please, Higgs; help me,” his dad pleaded. Static cut his image.
Higgs ran up to the Tv and placed his hands on the sides of the screen. “I want to help dad, but you are dead.”
“Higgs, please help; I need Sn-.”
“And, in other news two puppies and bubble wrap made one neighborhood-,” the news reporter reappeared, and the show went on as normal.
Higgs turned to the giant parakeet. “What should I do?” he asked.
“What’s this now?” Phil lowered the paper. His bird eyes showed no sign that he had witnessed the same phenomenon.
NINJA PHIL!
“What’cha doing?” Phil asked.
“Makin’ a portal to the underworld so I can rescue my dad,” Higgs said. He dumped a third bag of ice into the bathtub. “I could sure use your help; there could be trouble in Hell.”
“Sure,” the giant parakeet said; he lifted his beer and took a big gulp.
SPLASH!
Higgs dumped another bag of ice.
Then, he grabbed a book off the toilet seat sitting next to him.
Phil watched and then took notice of a Barnes & Noble bag on the counter. A receipt hug out. He picked it up and read, ‘Portals and Interdimensional magic spells, $6.99 clearance price’.
“Phil-,”
“Yeah?”
“Looks like I need one of your feathers.”
“Again? Why does every spell you cast need a giant parakeet feather?”
“Mysteries of magic, I suppose.”
Phil opened his robe and, PLUCK! Pulled a big yeller’ one from his chest. He handed it to Higgs.
“We better move back,” Higgs said. He held the feather between two pinched fingers and reached, positioning the it over the tub.
“Here we go.”
Higgs released it.
FLOAT, FLOAT, PLOP!
Higgs recoiled. Phil covered his beer with the breast of his robe.
“Well shit,” Higgs said.
Nothing happened.
NINJA Phil!
“I just don’t get it,” Higgs said.
He and Phil sat in high back recliners watching TV. The screen cut angles in the darkness.
Higgs continued, “The book I bought at Barnes & Noble about how to kill a poltergeist worked. Why didn’t this one?”
Behind them, mounted on the wall, was a taxidermy demon poltergeist. Its eyes and mouth still spoke of agony.
“Maybe it was my feather,” Phil said, “I might have had too much THC or some other shit in my system.”
“Maybe, Higgs pondered. I must have done something wrong.
SNEAKY SNEAKY!
“Did you hear that?” Higgs lifted himself and turned to look at the darkness behind them.
Phil sniffed the air, “An action plot line.” His parakeet eyes became slits.
SLICE!
A sword came down aimed at Higgs’ head.
He reached up and, CLAP! Caught the blade between his pressed hands. Higgs kicked off the floor throwing the recliner back.
It fell on the attacker and Higgs rolled across the floor.
With a heavy flap of his wings Phil leapt up from the chair.
SLINK, SLINK, SLINK!
Ninjas dropped from the cabinets and ceiling, in the kitchen.
The fallen ninja knocked the recliner away and stood.
All that could be heard was the heavy breathing of men about to engage in combat.
“Where everybody knows your name,” bum, bum, bum, “And their always glad you came-,”
Cheers came on the TV.
“ATTACK!” A ninja cried.
He ran at Phil, sword raised over head.
The parakeet, THWAK! Did a spin kick and landed his heel against the Ninja’s cheek.
The ninja spun and fell.
SLIK SLAK!
Higgs dodged left and right as the sword sliced inches from his body.
Following the next swing, Higgs dodged, then, BAM! Punched the ninja fucker in the windpipe; Higgs followed up with a spinning side kick.
CRASH! The ninja flew back and fell into the bookcase.
Two ninjas came at Phil.
“BE-KAAH!” Front kick, round house. He doubled a ninja over and sent the next one tumbling with the powerful kick.
The parakeet hammered his elbow down on the skull of the one doubled over. That’s how it’s done!
KA-POW! The ninja face planted. Some of his teeth came out.
Higgs blocked punches. One slipped past and got him in the eye, POW! Damn, these ninjas are pretty good.
He stumbled back and hit the entertainment center. Some candles and shit were on the tops shelf, so that women folk would think him a good provider.
Higgs grabbed a glass candle holder and, THROW! Sent that fucker flyin’. SMACK! It hit the ninja in the temple.
A charging sword came at Higgs’ stomach. He lurched to the side and, KA-BLEWIE! Clothes-lined the fucker with an outstretched arm.
The ninja flipped and fell.
Higgs dove on him. With his bare hands, he twisted the guy’s head until, POP! That fucker came off. He tore the head from the body, making sure to take a good chunk of spin with it.
“Phil!” Higgs shouted and tossed the spine and head to his friend.
Phil caught it. He twirled that severed head like a ball and chain. “Take this pajama fighters!” THWAK!
POW! He whipped that thing, smashin’ skulls.
Higgs pulled some Chinese stars from the dead ninja’s fanny pack. Perfect!
FLING! He threw them.
Ninja screams filled the house as the Chinese stars found chests and genitals.
BOOM! The front door exploded off its hinges. More ninjas flooded in.
CRASH! Ninjas flipped through the kitchen windows.
“Better put the coffee on, Phil; looks like we got a long night ahead,” Higgs said.
“Already on it.” Phil was standing in the kitchen. He was filling the coffee pot. Three ninjas waited impatiently.
NINJA PHIL!
Postal Worker Sally pushed aside the door.
It barely hung on its hinges.
She slipped inside the house.
What happened here?
She saw Higgs and Phil on the floor.
The carpet was covered in blood; dead men in ninja pajamas were all over.
Higgs laid on top of a pile of dead men. He was shirtless, and organs were spilled on the floor around him.
Postal worker Sally put a hand to her mouth, YUCK!
Phil laid on the ground, snoring. Bodies surrounded him.
“Higgs, Phil, yous’ guys okay?”
She stepped over limbs and bodies and approached Higgs.
Sally nudged his shoulder, “Higgs?”
“What’s this now?” he lifted his head. “Oh, hey, Postal worker Sally.”
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He wiped his forearm across his face smearing the blood. Higgs took a deep breath.
Oh, yeah, the nights events came back to him.
Phil yawned and got up. He stretched his bloody wings.
“What happened,” Sally asked
Higgs stood. He fished severed fingers out of his hair, TOSS! Gross!
“Well, we were attacked by these ninjas while watching Nick at Night.
“Yeah,” Phil added, “Just came outta’ nowhere.” He thought for a moment, “I guess like ninjas always do.”
Hmm, Sally thought, ninjas don’t attack for no reason. They aren’t sharks; well normally not. “Have you checked their pockets?”
“Good idea,” Higgs said; he looked at the bodies deciding which one to search. There we go. He grabbed the lower half of a severed body and dug in the back pockets. He pulled out a wallet.
TOSS! Sally caught it and opened it. “Oh,” she said, seeing the address and zip code, “These ninjas came from the Underworld.”
“The Underworld?” Phil asked
“The Underworld,” she said.
“The Underworld?” Higgs asked
The Underworld,” Sally said.
“That’s where my dad is,” Higgs said, “And actually, he possessed my TV yesterday and asked for help.”
“Too bad that portal didn’t work,” Phil said.
Postal worker Sally pulled her keys out. She spun the ring on her finger, “Portal? You don’t need no portals. If you boys are wanting to go to the underworld, that just so happens to be my next stop.”
Their faces lit up.
“You wouldn’t believe the amount of mail that place gets.”
“To the mail truck!” Higgs shouted and pointed to the broken front door.
“Maybe you two should clean up,” Sally said.
Phil and Higgs looked down at themselves.
All matter of gore and dark matter covered their bodies.
NINJA PHIL!
“Hang on boys,” Postal worker Sally said out her open window.
Higgs and Phil hung on to the side of the mail truck.
Higgs held his hand to his eyes as if looking to a far-off place.
“Good thing Sally came,” Phil said.
“Yeah, plus she is hot.”
“Damn right,” the parakeet said.
Sally was an ex-stripper turned Green Barret. She was black and foxy. Nice big kettle bell titties and an ass that make cocks crow in the morning sun.
And, she has some fuckin lips. Like, yes please, here is my cock, you can slurp to your heart’s desire.
“Hang on,” Sally shouted.
She turned down main street.
Higgs wondered, what road goes to the underworld? I’ve been living here for ten years and you’d think I’d have stumbled upon it.
“No, you wouldn’t have,” Phil shouted.
“You read my thoughts?” Higgs asked.
The parakeet smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
The mail truck came to a stop.
“Umm, Sally, this doesn’t look like hell.”
She got out. “Nope, we stopped for some help.” She walked up the sidewalk.
Higgs looked at the building standing there.
“Guns? Sweat!”
“BEE-KA!” Phil hopped off and ran all bird like to the door.
The cashier watched the three load-up. Damn, I guess I’ll get to buy that boat after all.
Sally pushed the shopping cart up to the counter. It was filled with guns and ammo. A bazooka stuck out the side.
“Where ya’ll headed with this arsenal?” the cashier asked. He was an old dude with military clothes that were pretty dirty and stuff. He had long grey-
-shit this doesn’t matter
Naw, it doesn’t just make us pay. We got an underworld to find. Higgs crossed his arms impatiently.
Higgs waived the cashier off, “We got shit to do man, ring us the fuck up.”
Back in the vehicle-
Sally turned.
They were on the freeway.
The wind whipped at Higgs curled white-man afro and tried to run off whit his thick beard.
Phil was being all kinds of blown around being a bird and everything.
Postal worker Sally slowed down and merged with the traffic leading to a toll both.
Higgs shouted, “Is this the fastest way to hell?”
“You bet it is,” Sally shouted out the window.
She pulled up.
“That’ll be a dollar twenty-five, miss,” the bored out of their fucking mind toll booth worker said.
Phil leaned and had a peek at her. Damn, she pretty fine. Wonder how she likes birds; damn, my feathers are getting all ruffled looking at that pretty face.
Phil always had a thing for black chicks.
Yes sir! And I thank you for writing Sally into this story. Damn that ass!
He brought his camera in hopes of catching Postal worker Sally in an action pose and blowing that print-up to poster size.
We can all dream.
Sally handed the toll worker a plastic card. “Underworld please.”
The woman nodded and swiped the plastic “You know the way?” the worker said.
Sally nodded. She steered the car off to the side where a small building stood.
Cars were parked around the perimeter, nothing special.
Kills Engine-
Sally hopped out.
The guys joined her.
“Were here,” she said.
The building read ‘Toll Booth office’.
Sally smiled, “Welcome to Hell.”
NINJA PHIL!
The elevator went down-
And down-
And down-
And down.
Sally leaned on the wall with her arms crossed creating cleavage that Phil had trouble not looking at.
Higgs watched the door impatiently. I hope my dad’s okay. Geez, we better not be too late!
“I hope we can find him,” Higgs said.
“Oh, don’t worry yourself none; we’ll find him,” Sally said.
The door opened to a cocktail lounge.
A singer was on stage and people milled about.
Plenty of drinks were in hands and on tables.
“We’ll see the bartender,” Sally said.
“Hey there, Postal worker Sally; how you been Nipple Bunny?” The bartender asked.
The bartender was a douche- that’s it- imagine a douche;
There, that was the bartender.
“Oh, you so silly, “Sally waived her hand at him, she blushed.
Sally’s my hoe, Phil grew angry. His feathers stood on end. She doesn’t know yet, but she’s my baby mamma bitch.
“Hey fucker, don’t call her Nipple Bunny!” Phil shouted.
Before the bartender even responded Phil was over the counter an on top of him.
“So, where do we start looking?” Higgs asked.
POW, BAM, POW! Sounds of a fight came from behind the bar.
“I have a connection; we’ll just have to see the Grim Reaper.”
Higgs nodded, “Cool!”
Phil popped up from behind the bar. He wore the bartender’s douchey black satin shirt. He threw a towel over his forearm.
“And, what can I get you two to drink?”
Sally smiled and made eyes at him.
And, my eyes were sayin’ give me that cock ‘a doodle doo!
NINJA PHIL!
A military truck pulled up. Men with huge guns hung off the dirty jeep.
Its tires gobbled the ground and made clouds of swirling dust.
Our three visitors to Hell, waited.
SKID! STOP!
The jeep rocked.
“Sally, sure good to see you!”
A hot woman lept of the back of the jeep.
Ten or so men climbed down and stood behind her, guns in hand.
“Grim, always a pleasure,” Sally said, “What’s been happening?”
“Not much,” the hot woman said. “We’ve had quite a few unauthorized resurrections. Me and my boys here, have been on the hunt for weeks now.”
Eek, Higgs saw the skulls tied to the jeep’s bumper.
The red sky swirled.
Grim was a beautiful beast. Human looking but on the side of ‘too perfect’ in her build. She had very long, dark hair that spilled down to her hips. Her eyes were dark ink and her lips a pale pink. Translucent veins stitched her face and gave the appearance of a skull mask painted on her skin.
“Oh, wow,” Sally said, “Well, remember, if you ever need help.”
“It ain’t your time girl,” Grim said, “Now, who are theses two water coolers with you?”
Sally introduced them, “This is Higgs and that fried yeller’ bird is Phil.”
NINJA PHIL!
“You can’t come through here,” the guard said.
“You do know who I am, right?” Grim asked.
Sally, Higgs, and Phil stood behind her in the velvet purple hallway.
“Members only.”
The guard was a Pterodactyl.
But, he was big and muscular. His head was a ridiculous shape like a Halloween mask.
Over Grim’s shoulder Higgs informed the dinosaur, “I just came to check on my dad. I heard he was in there.”
“Piss off mortal.”
Grim whipped out a huge sci-fi rifle. She cocked the shaft. “Outta’ the way.”
The Pterodactyl grinned. He reached over and pressed a button.
The hall walls were pulled away, revealing a black-light 70’s disco room.
“Ha, ha, ha, ha!” About fifteen dinosaur men laughed.
Some had guns, others- pipes, a coupled with brass knuckles, and one flipped around a butterfly knife.
The Pterodactyl cracked his bruiser knuckles. “You’ll are leaving in body bags.”
“You ready, Phil?” Higgs asked.
“Ready.”
Phil pulled out a red headband and tied on his forehead. It had ancient writing on an emblem in the center of his head.
ROAR! A T-rex hammered forward and punched.
BLAM! Grim fired a round.
SIZZLE, DIE!
It cut a hole through the T-rex’s chest. The creature fell to the ground.
A Triceratops, wielding a chain, swung it at Sally. Phil pulled her out of the way, and lept on the dinosaur man.
“I’ll kill ya’ for that fucker.”
The dinosaur cried and screamed.
Phil pecked the thing’s eyes out. He got up and left the dinosaur twitching on the ground.
Sally pulled out two pistols. “Higgs!” She tossed them.
ROAR! a Raptor-man came at Higgs.
He caught the guns and like a bad ass movie hero, CLAK, CLAK, CLAK! Shot the fucking beast.
The Raptor’s chest exploded in gore and his body shook.
“Higgs look out,” Sally shouted
He ducked.
She leveled her shotgun, KA-POW! And took off the top of another Raptor’s head.
The Pterodactyl pushed aside his dead friend and came at Grim. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”
“Really,” Grim asked, “Like, we’ve never even met before just a few minutes ago.”
“Well,” he said, “It feels like a long time.”
SOCK, POW! He threw fists.
Grim danced around them like Agent Smith in the Matrix.
The Pterodactyl grunted. He brought a knee up.
Grim lept in the air.
The camera spun and, POW! She kicked him in the face.
He somersaulted through the air and, CRASH! Hit the wall.
A Brachiosaurus with nun-chucks came up on Sally all Bruce Lee, like. THWAK! It knocked the gun out of her hand.
She snarled and lept at the creature. They fell to the ground.
Damn, this chick is pretty-fine. Wonder if she’d like some good dinosaur meat in her sour cream tacos? He felt her tits all wigglin’ around on his chest.
He headbutted her, POW!
Sally cried and brought her knee to his cold-blooded nuts, SLAM! CAPTAIN CRUNCH!
The Brachiosaurus howled.
She grabbed his big ‘ol head and, KA-POW bounced it off the floor.
CLAK, CLAK! Grim fired. SLAM! And blew off a dino’s leg.
She moved about the room putting rounds in the fallen creatures.
Phil was eating the neck of a Stegosaurus.
Higgs put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “It is done my friend.”
Blood lust left his eyes. Blood spattered the bird’s face.
“Let’s go,” Grim said.
They all walked to the red door.
Will my father be on the other side?
“This is it,” Grim said.
“Let’s see what your father needed,” Sally said she put a hand on Higgs’ shoulder.
NINJA PHIL!
SQUEEK! destiny needed some oil.
“Higgs?” Mr. Higgs got up from a hot tub.
Hot ladies in string bikinis giggled.
“Son, you made it!”
“Yeah, I did; what’s wrong?” Higgs ran up.
SLOSH! The old dude climbed out of the hot tub.
They hugged, and Mr. Higgs left a wet body imprint on his son’s shirt.
“I’m fine. I’m fine,” Mr. Higgs said.
“You said you need my help; what’s the matter?”
The old man smiled sheepishly. “I was hoping I could contact you to bring me some Snapple, but the whole possess the TV thing didn’t work well. I couldn’t get the internet to connect right.”
“Snapple?” This can’t be, Higgs thought.
“Major Rafklin?” Grim asked
Mr. Higgs peered over his son’s shoulder, “Yes.”
“Major?” Higgs asked and furrowed his brow.
“Shit Higgs, you didn’t tell me yer’ dad was Major Rafklin.” Grim said. “Please to meet you sir,” she extended her hand.
“I didn’t know myself,” Higgs said.
“Good to meet you, and you are?”
“Grim,” she said.
“Like, Grim Reaper?” Major Rafklin asked.
“Yep!”
“But, you weren’t the one that took me when I died?”
“Oh, was it Steve?” Grim asked.
“Yeah, that lanky kid.”
Grim smiled, “Yeah, he covered for me; I had other pressing assignments.”
“Well this is all good,” Higgs said, “But shit, I wasted a whole, like, day and a half, plus killed people to get here.”
“No worries,” the Major said, “Think you could go pick up a case of Snapples for me and bring them here?”
Phil nudged Sally. He gestured with his head. The two went to a nearby closet.
“I think I have a better solution,” Grim said, “I can send you back to the land of the living, if you agree to take a few bounties when I call.”
Major shook her hand, “Deal, I can kill people in my sleep.”
Ninja Phil!
Roll Credits
Grim stood at the bar talking to the douchey bartender.
A couple of ninjas tried to butt into the conversation.
She gave them a displeased look.
The douchey bartender ducked behind the bar and reappeared with drinks.
Grim smiled and said stuff. She carried the tray over to a booth.
Higgs sat on one side with an arm tossed over the back.
The Major sat with two hot bikini girls next to him. They were all laughing.
Grim set down the drink and they each took a colorful cocktail.
The whole cast was at Chili’s having a party.
Higgs mimed fighting.
Grim laughed and slapped the table.
A few of the dinosaur men came up to the table. They held drinks.
After some talking and laughing they all cheered and clinked glasses.
The T-rex mimed being shot in the stomach and then pointed at Grim.
She shrugged her shoulders.
A Raptor-man approached the Toll Booth girl at the bar. She smiled and gestured him to have a seat.
One of the bikini girls played with the Major’s balls under the table.
Phil and Sally were wedged in a dark closet.
The parakeet pulled Postal worker Sally’s shirt off.
She unclasped her bra.
END
*Sample
Shadow Man
Chapter 1
It was a soft tunnel like a cheerleader’s pussy. Riding through it, on an interdimensional surf board, was Shadow Man.
“SHADOW MAN!” (A chorus sang)
One might think, that heaven was the ultimate destination, but for Shadow Man, “It can fuckin’ wait!”
Born as Ed Gein’s shadow, a life of murder and macabre, made him want to stop the evils of the world.
Upon arriving at Thy-Pearly-Gates, recruiting booths littered the walkway. An assortment of clubs, organizations, and corporations eagerly begged for the newly-dead to sign up. Like a freshman orientation on a college campus, it was disgusting.
So, why would Shadow Man stop at the United States Army recruiting table, and not just waltz on by into heaven, where he would live a life of pleasure and happiness?
Because, fuck, the army recruiter was the finest piece of ass that this-shadow-creature had ever seen. And, he’d seen some hot titties in his time, trust me. Shit, isn’t that how all men get lured into signing contracts?
The army recruiter spoke of purpose. Her soft pink lips said words like, “You can make earth a safer place for the living. And, in the process, earn some wonderful treasures that wait for you, when you enter into heaven.”
Shadow Man didn’t hear a word. Her glorious tits, pressed together, created a valley of hypnotic passion. The recruiter could have said anything, though, Shadow Man would have preferred her say, “I need your cum. Take my pussy with your huge cock.”
She didn’t say that, but Shadow Man, while starring at those galactic melons did say, “Where do I sign up?”
Maybe, it was the light from the pearly gates, or the fact that there was life after death, but those tits… well, sorry fellow readers. There is no proper way to explain them. So instead, think on the best cleavage you have ever seen. The kind that makes your balls swell, and a passion that burns your cock with a frenzy of desire.
Good, Shadow Man saw something like that.
Now, back to the worm hole he was surfing through.
Shadow Man’s first mission- Eliminate the Russian scientist doing unethical research with CRISPR.
If you don’t know what CRISPR is, it is a genome project where they can alter, delete, and add DNA.
None of that matters right now, Shadow Man has two stops to make.
What does every mission need?
∞
Shadow Man rode the tube (curl of a wave) within the wormhole.
SPLAT! He caught his board and landed in Elvis Presley’s living room.
“Shadow Man,” Elvis said and stood up.
“Elvis, good to see you my friend. I need your help.”
(Cough) Elvis brushed the wadded tissue paper off the couch. A tipi was pitched in his boxers. (Blush) “Here, have a seat.”
“No time,” Shadow Man said. “I need your help. Get dresses, I’ll explain on the way.”
Elvis wore stripped boxers and nothing else. His peanut butter gut hung over the waist band. “Cool, I’ll go change.” He took a few steps toward the hallway and then paused. Turning back to Shadow Man he said, “I hope it isn’t a problem, but I just took some LSD.” A worried, but light hearted smile, crossed his lips.
Shadow Man fished in his camouflage vest pocket. He pulled out a pair of golden framed sunglasses. He tossed them to Elvis. “Put those on with that white jumpsuit you have.”
Like a puppy going for a car ride, Elvis raced off on uncoordinated feet down the hall. “Hehehe, a mission!”
(CRASH, BAM, POW)
A rock concert of noises came from the bedroom.
Shadow Man picked up a magazine off the coffee table. It was one, out of an assortment of porn magazines.
Elvis reappeared. “Ready.” He wore a sequined white jumpsuit.
“Looks good,” Shadow Man said, “but, what happened there? You pee yourself?”
Elvis looked down. His left pant leg was stained. “No, just old cum.” He put on the sunglasses.
Shadow Man put the surf board on the ground. “Hop on. We have one more stop before we destroy some Russian scientists.”
(Want to read more? Get your copy at Amazon)
https://www.amazon.com/author/bridgetchase
* Stay Tuned for Episode 2
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