Exploring Happiness…

As many of you know, the end of last year was pretty dark for me. My beloved cat was diagnosed with an untreatable heart condition and every day became a vigil, waiting for him to die.

This included waking up every morning and being in a suspended state (unless he was there with me) to wait for him to jump up on the bed, terrified the entire time between waking and him arriving that I’d have to force myself out of bed and look for his body.

Ditto any time I went out. If he didn’t greet me at the door when I arrived home, something he and his sister normally did, I didn’t even drop my purse before I went in search of him to make sure he was still alive.

Not surprisingly, this took its toll. And even after he passed, I was mired not only in the grief, but the strain of waiting for months for the reason for that grief to happen.

What you might not know is that even if this was the darkest part of that time of my life, I will admit to you now that the “est” of that is important. My life was already dark.

How can that be? I had everything! I was living my dream. The dream I started dreaming when I was thirteen years old. A dream that meant everything to me. Writing romance for a living.

The answer to that is I had made my life about my work.

That’s it.

Outside an occasional pool party with the fams, or a rare lunch with a girlfriend, my life was my books…and not just writing them.

At first, this was okay, considering I love my work, and prior to publishing, and my books beginning to sell, I guarded every second (and that isn’t an exaggeration) of writing time. Looking back, I had two full-time jobs. One as a charity executive, which was rewarding but stressful. One was a romance writer. It was less a “hobby,” as I liked to think of it back in the day, and more a mission.

I wrote when I got home from work and I wrote from morning until night on the weekends.

And I loved it.

But when “work” became writing, continuing in that bent, twelve- to sixteen-hour days, seven days a week, narrowed my world to a pinpoint. There was writing. And there was the work around writing.

As it happens, the joy of finally being able to devote myself to my passion faded and it did this without me noticing it.

I didn’t lose the passion.

But you cannot create without filling the well. My books are as they are because I inject much of me, the ones I know, and my experiences into them. I can’t continue to do that if my whole world becomes my office.

Less, my desk.

Even smaller, my computer and keyboard.

When it occurred to me that this was a problem (and this was about six months into my making the conscious, and depressing, decision no longer to keep in any modicum of a healthy physical state, including getting exercise and eating food that’s good for me, something that not only made me feel rundown but also severely affected my sleep and mood…both in the negative), I decided to do something about it.

I started a journey that began with journaling…and blossomed and grew.

I could write a book about all that I’ve done over the last year, how I’ve shaped it to fit my world, life and way of doing things, the work it took to do it, and the results that are ongoing (energy! good sleep for the first time in my life! planning vacations after not having a real one in eleven years! HUZZAH!)

The above paragraph has the word “ongoing” and that, for me, is one of the many keys.

I’m not on a diet to lose weight. I’m not on a meditation plan to find better sleep. I’m not on an exercise regimen to tone my muscles. I have not found the answer to the meaning of life. In fact, I don’t have the all the answers, even for my own story.

I’m on an ongoing journey that is day-to-day-to-day-to-DAY and will be for the rest of my life.

I’ve likened it to unraveling the life I was living and doing the painstaking work to reweave it into the life I want to live.

No…the state of mind I want to have.

It involves seeing more movies (which I love and got out of the habit of doing). Reading more books (which used to be an obsession, but I MIGHT read a handful of books a year, and that in itself is depressing, and even criminal considering my profession). Trying something new at least once a week. And stopping, and seriously considering, when I say no to an invitation, reminding myself my first thought for an answer should be yes…then taking time to really decide if I can or cannot fit it into my schedule (so I’m socializing, getting out of my office, and expanding my world).

I’ve also organized my house (my pantry could be an ad for the Container Store) and cleared out my closets of all the debris and detritus of past lives so just perusing my wardrobe reflects where I need to remember to be at all times…my NOW.

And my NOW, with a lot of hard work which is what hard work always is—insanely rewarding—is pretty danged great.

I would not have said that a year ago, even while I was living my dream (wrap your head around the guilt of that…having everything you wanted and feeling the shame of being ungrateful because you aren’t skipping-through-the-tulips happy).

But now, I’ll repeat, life is pretty danged GREAT.

I’m actually typing that. Defiantly. And happily.

(Mind you, I’m about to go to Australia and Hawaii for two weeks, one for work, one for fun, they’re both going to be fun, so I’m in the pre-holiday glow and LOVING IT!)

I’ll share here that I am not complaining about this dark time in my life. I’m not angry at myself that I fell into it without realizing what was happening…and why. It is what nearly everything is in life…essential to the experience. It’s irrational to think my whole world is always going to be rosy. There will be dark times. And you learn from those dark times and become a better person for yourself—and for those you love—when you fight your way out of them.

This means I’m actually GRATEFUL for that time. I wouldn’t be where I am now without it.

It also means this is a never-ending journey, and I’m excited about that. I’m excited about getting into gardening (my next challenge, I may fail in this Arizona heat with my travel schedule, but I don’t care). I’m excited about finding a Pilates or yoga class I can do that isn’t in my workout room at home in front of a video on TV. I’m excited about exploring my “natural” talent for swinging a golf club (my brother-in-law said that, not me, and he’s golfed in every state of the Union!) when the weather breaks.

So when I happened onto the latest edition of O, The Oprah Magazine, and it was about understanding and doing the work to find your happy, I read it cover to cover.

And I’m lifting something from it to share as I continue the work to build my happy. Shift my focus to what makes me feel that. Share it to help others find ways to focus on theirs. And keep up the righteous work to be all I’m damned well going to be.

The magazine asked the contributors to answer some questions. I’m going to answer these here.

“What is one way to maximize happiness…” As mentioned above, try something new and do it regularly. Order something you wouldn’t normally order from a menu. Stop in a boutique you frequently pass that you’ve always wanted to check out. Read a book in a genre you wouldn’t normally read. Attempt a new recipe. Go out for a coffee instead of making one at home. Sit in that park you never visit that’s close by and read there.

Just shake it up.

Whatever it is, do it. And do it as often as you can.

“These days I’m grateful for…” My health and learning to cut myself some slack.

Working out and eating right is a challenge for me because I don’t like to do either!

But due to my obsession with writing, when I’m in the middle of a book, since I’m all about the book, it’s nearly impossible to tear myself away even to eat, much less do it healthily. Forget about popping on the treadmill or going out for a walk.

Add onto that travel, where, if I’m in Washington DC, I’m damn well going to eat crabcakes. And if I’m in Cleveland and I get invited to a place that sells amazing grilled cheese sandwiches (thank you, Brijin!), I’m IN! I cannot, on the whole, live a life without pizza (or ice cream). So I don’t intend to do it. Ever.

I’ve tried to plan ahead and make goals to be as healthy as possible when those times in my life make it a bigger challenge. But it just happens that things get away from me.

So my mission is to get back to it as soon as I can after I’m home or the book is finished. I’ve found being gentle with myself, saying, “Okay, I’m off the path, I have to be on THIS path now. I’ll veer back when I’m ready and not stress myself right the ef out by beating myself up about where I am now.” Then, when I hop on the treadmill, I find I’m not starting from the “beginning” but pumping out my walks with sweat and attitude and killing it like I didn’t take four days or two weeks off (because I only took four days or two weeks off, I didn’t give up for six months just because I took four days or two weeks off, so “what’s the point?”).

Giving myself permission to give myself a break rocks my world.

And I’m the fittest I’ve been in years.

“A song that will instantly turn my day around…” “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman soundtrack. I don’t know if I’ve ever only listened to it once. And it usually has me singing at the top of my lungs and stomping with glee.

“Who are the people who always put a smile on my face…” The Cantu sisters. Amanda and Crystal became friends by being readers of mine, in fact, they are two of the first readers I ever met at my first-ever book signing in Orlando. And they drag their sister Bonnie into the mix, so I’ve adopted her too.

They love romance and I see them at a ton of events, and since have invited them into my life, and they’ve done the same (I still regret I didn’t go to Crystal’s wedding when invited, I should have been there with bells on!).

The thing is, there’s just a stillness of peace and goodness whenever my eyes roam a room and I see Amanda, Crystal or Bonnie. It’s more than the love of romance. It’s the fact that what I do opened my world in a way that I would never have met these beautiful women if it hadn’t been for my books.

They’re also a reminder of the many beautiful women who have become an integral part of my life because of my books. And that is a colossal blessing. Grounding myself in the unexpected bounty of this writing gig is marvelous.

And their personalities and kindness and quiet love and saucy sassiness would have been lost forever for me due to the fact I wouldn’t have even known it was there to be had…but now it’s mine.

Last, Crystal sent my cats bottles of kitty wine when my baby got diagnosed. I missed her wedding. She did not miss sharing she was there for me in a time of need.

Okay.

Now, I urge YOU to think about these questions and answer them for yourself. You can share them in the comments section if you like. Or just do it as a personal exercise in exploring your happy.

I’m grateful for mine.

Immeasurably.

No matter how much hard work it is.

Or maybe because of that.

And I hope if you answer these questions, you find gratitude for the happy in your life too.