Stop Lying! Everyone Knows You’re a Complete Fraud!
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Yes, I know the title is total click-bait, but GOOD. It means you’re here and might even read on. I may be the only person who thinks this: Stop lying! Everyone knows you’re a fraud (fake, poseur, hot mess, etc.). Or, perhaps I am the only one willing to admit it, on-line, in words, preserved for posterity…or posterior. Showing my posterior, at least.
Meh, I have no pride.
But wait, maybe I do. Maybe I have a lot of pride, too much even. And that’s a huge part of my problem.
Fraud Dreams
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For years, I’d have the same sort of nightmare over and over. In the dream I’d be a successful whatever (doctor, lawyer, author) and my high school guidance counselor would show up to inform me all my credentials were worthless, because I never truly graduated high school.
I’d failed to complete ONE class (usually something stupid like Health or P.E.).
Since I’d gained entry to my advanced education by lying about having a high school diploma, I had to go back to high school and do everything all over since none of it counted.
In the dream, I’d be thirty or forty years old, yet put back in the tenth grade. Why the tenth? Because, DUH! It had been so many years since I’d attended high school that most of my credits were no longer valid.
All this was my own fault.
If I hadn’t lied my way through life, I wouldn’t be sitting in a room with a bunch of fourteen-year-olds reading The Great Gatsby for the seventh time (and still hating it).
This was the punishment a fraud like me deserved. I’d spent most of my life fooling people, lying, convincing them I was someone I wasn’t and this was my penalty. After years of ‘covering this up,’ they’d found me out.
What’s really odd about all these dreams was…I agreed.
How had I managed to make it decades with no one suspecting it was ALL a charade? Did I really expect to ‘get away’ with it?
There is a name for this, by the way: Impostor Syndrome. Good news is it mainly afflicts those who are high achievers—GOLD STAR FOR YOU!
Bad news? It can make life hell.
Fraud Thoughts
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Going out on a limb here, but I’m assuming I’m not the only person who’s had these sorts of dreams, thoughts and feelings.
When I pay attention to the junk I tell myself, it’s enough to give me pause. Would I EVER talk to another person, even a stranger, the way I (often) talk to myself?
No.
So where’s this garbage coming from?
It can stem from a lot of areas, but today we’re going to hone in on one. The feeling of being a fraud is a toxic byproduct of overachieving. Overachieving, as I’m learning, is my main go-to defense mechanism. If I’m red-lining day after day to DO ALL THE THINGS, I never have to slow down…and feel.
Feelings are scary. Not simply some feelings but ALL feelings. I don’t dare cry because I’m terrified I might never stop. That and, who likes weak, needy people, right? I can’t bear to feel anger because it’s too much. I’ve stuffed down so much rage, it feels like a peat fire that’s been burning for a thousand years.
What’s worse is that, not only have I avoided ‘bad’ feelings, but I’ve also avoided any good feelings (joy) because I don’t want to get too attached.
God forbid I relish in a great moment, because the longer I stay there the more it will hurt when it’s gone. These happy times are sort of like farm animals.
Don’t name them or you’ll get too attached.
What makes this toxic approach particularly insidious is that being a super high-achiever is a socially encouraged. It’s also a socially rewarded coping/escape mechanism.
Numbing Out
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Our culture rewards over-achievers. Why? Well *flips hair* first, we get $#!@ done. Secondly, we are (over)responsible, (over)dependable, and guaranteed not to burden anyone else by having any ‘needs.’ We’re an inspiration, a role model, and SO, SO STRONG!
Which is why everyone is surprised when we finally fall apart. Why? Pain is a signal we need to TEND something. We either need to fix it, face it, flush it or just FEEL it.
Case in point…
Years ago, I fractured my back. The doctors refused to give me any pain meds (which was a BLAST!)…or not. The reason? They wanted me to feel pain. If they gave me drugs that numbed all pain, the break would never heal. Since I’d be incapable of FEELING my limitations, the break would never heal or I’d likely make it worse.
Same with over-achieving. But being a high-achiever is far more dangerous. Broken bones we can see. Broken hearts? Not so much. Crushed discs show up on an MRI, whereas crushed dreams do not.
Alas, there is pain and so we get BUSY BEING AWESOME…and numb. In fact, everyone around us cheers us on, which is odd if we look at the behavior for what it is, and what it’s related TO.
If we started our day with a couple shots of vodka in our orange juice, society would judge us…harshly. If we smoked a joint, gambled away our rent money on-line, or snorted a few lines of cocaine using our kid’s Capri-Sun straw, we’d be a MONSTER.
Oh, but wake at 4:00 a.m. to go to the gym, pack GF-dairy-free-soy-free-non-GMO lunches for the kids, journal/meditate, and have all the emails returned before sunrise? Then work full-steam ten hours, write novels, blog, do all the laundry, and volunteer for every school event and never need help?
We’re a SUPERSTAR…which is we why HAVE to document all this on Instagram.
The snorting cocaine? Not so much. Yeah keep that off Instagram.
Sure, life is hard and there’s pain, sickness, death and loss. Nothing a great inspirational quote can’t fix.
***Remember to post it on Facebook, though
