What's with the Freakishly Enormous Manhood?

Yes, I deliberately chose manhood instead of one of those “other words,” because I could just see the title of my latest blog post being banned from all social media outlets. Unless the resulting controversy would in turn give me more book sales…hmm. Wait. Have to give that some thought.

In the meantime, here’s a repeat of the question. Why do so many erotic romance heroes have gigantic genitalia? Does that mean that’s what women want? To answer this question, I did extensive research, as follows. I pondered it while I ate a piece of chocolate, did my toenails, watched History of the World (Quick Time March!), came to some very subjective conclusions and decided to post it in my blog.

Do women want a man with a gigantic, you know? Yeah, my characters can say it and think it. I can’t. I blush.

Nooooooo. And yes. But really not. Let me explain. I think there’s this weird thing embedded in our female instincts. We see a muscular man chopping wood, with a noticeable bulge down there, and centuries of intellectual evolution gives way to this primal instinct that says “Alpha male! Must have one of those!”

We really can’t help it. It’s how we survived when we were running around with mammoth tigers and no bug spray. So busy trying not to get eaten, there was no time to develop the things that make life worth living. Like indoor plumbing and Kohl’s sales. But once we started gathering up those tough alpha males and made them feel useful, protecting us and all, there was more time for that.

These days, that primal instinct is still there. Fortunately, our intellect usually kicks in and saves us from overlooking other important things about him, like “Is he a nice person? Is he smart? Is he honest? Does he like animals? Does he brush his teeth? Does he appreciate a woman who eats lots of cookies?” However, erotic romance gives us the chance to indulge that historic, primal side of ourselves. The best love stories in the group give us BOTH – the guy who’s hung like a moose AND loves puppies.

It’s kind of a weird thing, the big dick trigger, because seriously, there is such a thing as too big of a cock (ha, said it that time). Unlike the Full Monty where they’re looking at big breasted women and one of the men suggests they’re too big, and the other male, puzzled says “Didn’t think they could be,” they’re not trying to fit that very humongous breast into a limited capacity space.

Okay, I can hear you. “Well maybe SHE thinks there’s such a thing as too big a cock, but that’s not how I feel, girlfriend.” Yeah right. Show of hands - how many women go to their annual physical and tell the doctor, “Oh, no, that speculum is WAY too small. I want the biggest one you’ve got! And put it on maximum spread.” That’s what I thought. The person in the back corner who raised your hand and really meant it? Hang back after class. I think I can base my next uber-masochistic character on you…

Sigh. Got to go. I’m out of time to share any other pearls of wisdom, because my cat barfed up a hairball. The glamorous life of an erotic author must resume.

But do you agree with me? Disagree? Have an alternate theory? I'm all ears.

ATTRIBUTION: I have to thank one of my readers for inspiring today’s column with THIS picture. I know not where she found him, but we all appreciate that he exists. If he loves puppies.

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SPEAKING OF ALPHA MALES: Don’t forget the Arcane Shot series has been re-released! The sexy sorcerer Derek Stormwind and Dark Guardian Mikhael Roman are back to making Ruby and Raina’s dreams come true, respectively (though our half-succubus witch Raina is NOT averse to a foursome). Really good time to try these books if you never have - $4.99 ebook price!