Change, Doubt and a New Year

We doubt ourselves. It’s a very human thing, to question our decisions, the forks in the road we’re facing. My husband and I moved to our current location over three years ago. At the time, it seemed for good reasons. However, recently we both realized this is not where we want to be. So we’re moving back to the coast this year, if the real estate and moving gods all align.

There are a wealth of sayings to help us make these decisions. Like sh*t or get off the pot, for example. What does that mean? That my decision might end up being a load of crap, but at least I’ll have made one? Not reassuring, but probably true. I’m 49. My father died at 54, and my mother at 69. To my way of thinking, to make a decision is better than doing nothing and staying in a situation where you’re not making the most of the life you’ve been given.

Another one is “When someone is unhappy enough, they will make a change.” I use that one a lot when I’m frustrated with people who seem to always be miserable but also always have an excuse why they can’t change anything about it. Bloody revolutions have come about when people are unhappy enough to make a change, so I feel like someone dealing with personal life challenges will reach the same point, if they are truly that unhappy. I choose to make changes before I become truly unhappy, so I’m ahead of the game (grin).

But the deal is, change can be hard and scary. We’re moving back to an area with less employment options, and the publishing field has become much tighter for us these past few years. However, sometimes it’s just about altering/narrowing your viewpoint in small ways, and asking the right questions. Do I want to handle my career ups and downs, find a day job again, in a place I don’t really want to be, and get caught here for several more years (or even forever, because we know how fast three years can turn into ten), or roll the dice and take our chances in a place I love?

Stories are like that (you knew I’d come back to that – writing is far more interesting to talk about than my life, lol). Early on in my career, I would suffer total angst if the editor wanted something changed, because it would feel like she was wanting the whole story or character to change. But, after thinking about it for 24 hours, I would find that what she was wanting required maybe the addition or redirecting of a few paragraphs. Miraculously, it accomplished the goal and ended up being better. But if I stayed entrenched in “this is the only way the story can be”, I would have missed that, and wouldn’t have had a better story – or become a better writer.

Like many lessons I’ve learned in writing, it also applied to life. It taught me to listen to what a person was saying, but to also dig deeper, for what it is they were really wanting/needing, because often the two are not the same. And full circle, those lessons came back to my writing. Here’s something Tyler said in Mirror of My Soul to Marguerite:

She cocked her head. “What if I deny you? Tell you to get in your car and leave me alone, now and forever?”

He took the next step up, forcing her to tilt her head as he leaned over her. “You know what kind of Master I am. We’ve covered that before. I don’t look for words. What comes out of your mouth most of the time are lies to protect yourself. I look for the pounding of your pulse.” His hand circled her neck, nudging up her chin. She nearly moaned as he zeroed in on the most sensitive part of her as if he had supernatural intuition. “Breath. Heat. The smell of your arousal, which I know is soaking that excuse for an outfit you’re wearing right now. If those things are saying yes, your lips saying no isn’t going to mean two damns to me. I’ll just find something to shut you up so we can have an honest conversation between us.”

Yeah, a little over the top for my point, but it still illustrated it – and it gave me the chance to mention Tyler and Marguerite, still one of my favorite couples.

In the same vein, I picked up an excellent quote from Blue Bloods last night, which is nice, since this latest season the episodes aren’t all that great, just mostly recycled earlier storylines. When I heard it, I thought, wow, that could apply to a lot of difficult topics we think about, not just the one they were discussing (rehab for drug-related crimes instead of prison, and drug legalization). But of course you know what my very second thought was. This would also be a great tool for character development, particularly in high conflict situations! Nothing’s more boring than a bad guy who’s all about, “I want to take over the world merely because I’m evil”, or a totally good person with blue birds fluttering around their heads. Here’s the quote:

“I’ve heard the one side called fascist and cruel, while the other side is being called fairy tales for snowflakes. We seem to have lost the middle ground.”

“How do we find it again?”

Sigh. “I don’t know.”

My reaction to it was that yes, maybe they don’t know the answer to the question yet, but acknowledging that the middle ground has been lost is an important first step, because the middle ground is where dialogue and change happens. And BOTH sides have to be willing to step into that middle ground, which means BOTH sides have to be willing to give a little to the other side, try to see things from their perspective, not the perspective they’ve decided the other viewpoint represents because they’re seeing it only through their side’s lenses. Which, when you’re writing a story, makes it way more interesting than one side being all right and the other being all wrong.

Another exercise related to this helps me resolve issues in both my life and my stories. When I feel like I can’t understand someone else’s viewpoint and/or my own seems diametrically opposed to it, I ask myself two questions. “How am I wrong?” and “How are they right?” And I seek serious, true answers to those questions. Because it’s rare that someone is 100% wrong or right. Thank goodness. What a boring world that would be.

So how does this circle back to my original thoughts on change? Small change, big change, life change, story change, it all comes back to being willing to see more outcomes and options than just the foundation stone you’re standing on. Yes, I might step off into a quagmire, but I’ll learn things from struggling out of it that can help me build other stones, a new life, a new way of thinking, a new approach to the story—whether it’s between the covers of a book, or my own.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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The boys are back! Knight Nostalgia, an anthology of Knights of the Board Room stories, comes out February 15. Excerpt, buy links and blurb are here.