The Scandalous Post

How good am I at marketing? See, by this title alone, I have sucked you in. (Honestly, I spent more time thinking about what to call this post, than what was going in it, or which cat pics to use this time.)

So, now that I have you sitting down, here we go: Let’s talk about s-e-x. No, no, not like that! Not explicitly, graphically, or even inneundo-y. *Totally a word.* I’d like to discuss how much of it there is in modern media, and how it is damaging to our children.

See? No need to run away from me in droves. But, I will be rather frank about some things — hence the title. Sex is indeed a private, yes, intimate matter — however, there’s a vital difference between keeping the details of the “bedroom scenes” of your life under wraps, and not talking about the stuff we need to be talking about.

That stuff includes making sure our kids are well-informed about where babies come from, and all the down sides to what is meant to be a good thing.

As the mother of a teenage boy, I am aware that certain thoughts and feelings at his age are natural, and it is my job to inform, all the good and the bad, and encourage him to participate in this massively cool thing of waiting to become sexually intimate with another human being. Until he’s at least 30. Or married. Or I’m dead. Whichever comes first.

There are bunches of reasons for me to encourage my kids to wait. And while spiritual convictions are among them, that’s actually not near the top of my list. Right up there is all the terrible diseases they might catch — something which TV shows of the 21st century don’t seem concerned with mentioning, while they have all the characters sleeping with each other in every other episode.

Also, what happened to making the point of how hard it is to become a parent before you’re ready? And the fact that being promiscious does not make you feel better about yourself — it makes you feel worse. And that such behavior opens you up to the chances of something really awful taking place — yes, I mean non-consenting incidents, which are actually crimes, and it’s tragic that our society is only starting to really crack down on that.

I really want to see more episodes of TV shows (particularly programs aimed at the age 13-17 audience) include discussion on rape, peer pressure to have sex, choosing to abstain, the role alcohol and drugs can play in making a bad sexual decision, abortion, STDs, and birth control. And, yes, we can talk about all of this in frank terms, showing both sides of the coin, and without filming scenes that make many viewers cringe over how much skin they’re being unnecessarily exposed to.

We have to. Too many teenagers (since I was a teenager, so this has already gone on too long) are being sent the message that sex with whoever, whenever, and wherever is awesome. When I was young, the precautionary tales about unplanned pregnancy, STDs, and rape were everywhere. But somehow, that didn’t get through — because the rate of abortions and sexually transmitted infections among adolescents skyrocketed.

Everybody agrees this is horrible. But for some reason, that doesn’t stop TV producers (many of whom have children themselves!) from filming 21-year-olds-pretending-to-be-17 getting their kit off to fool around with their boyfriend/girlfriend of 3 weeks.

We need much more of married couples kissing and then waking up, in pajamas, in the same bed on TV. We need more movies that are about keeping your long-term relationship strong, and not just with sex. We need to bring back the days of on-screen parents being worried when they catch their kids making out with a peer.

I want my sons to be terrified of having sex before they’re mature, committed to someone they love, and ready to deal with the stick turning blue (hopefully by then, excited and wanting the stick to turn blue). But I also don’t want them to think they have to become monks. Sex, when it’s between two consenting adults who are in a loving, respectful, trusting partnership, is beautiful. It’s what God made it for. In that context, it’s a wonderful expression of those emotions, and there’s nothing wrong with it at all.

So here’s the tricky bit — how do you convince 12-year-olds sex is bad and frightening and something to stay away from…while also convincing 18-year-olds that sex with your spouse is nothing to be ashamed of, and should, in fact, be the goal?

What kids watch on TV and in movies should not form the basis of their values and principles. We parents and guardians and caretakers should teach them about laws and rules and morals, and it really rankles me that too many of us who are doing that get flack for it. What in the world is wrong with telling your kids you really want them — for their sake! — to wait to have sex? Yes, please, folks, teach your children about birth control — because that’s something important for even consenting, mature, married adults to be aware of. (As someone who loves and deeply respects children, I consider unwanted children to be one of the saddest things in the history of creation.) But DON’T let 15-year-olds think they can just run all over town, debasing their bodies and self-esteem, simply because they’re using birth control. How is this going to produce emotionally secure gentlemen and ladies of the future?

This may not go over well with some people, but I honestly don’t approve of this trend among some religious families of only “dating to marry”, especially not when it comes to adolescents. Not letting teenagers date — (*let them! just have rules! restrictions! boundaries! duh!*) — is keeping them too sheltered and won’t aid them in finding the “till death do us part” relationship they’ll aim for the second they leave home. Young people need to be in certain situations that help them cultivate respect for the other gender, learn the social rules of occasions like going on a date, and how to behave properly in front of someone you’re very attracted to.

And, guess what — you WON’T marry the first person you ever go out with. You just WON’T. A tiny, tiny portion of us will. Teeny tiny. So microscopic you can’t even spot it with the Hubble telescope. AND, there is NOTHING WRONG with dating someone (even 2 or 3 someones) and then it doesn’t work out and you don’t get married. I’ve been (gasp!) divorced and remarried myself, and life experience and perspective forms the strong basis for this statement : It is much, much better to have doubts about your impending marriage and call it off, rather than go through with it and then get divorced a year later.

Okay, back to my original point. In this day and age, pornography is a literal mouse click away, and it’s our job as parents to make sure our kids don’t get access. It’s our job to teach them how such a thing objectifys women, destroys souls, spreads disease. Our obligation to tell them we don’t approve of them engaging in anything more than first base. And then to explain what “first base” means. It’s our duty, as part of protecting our offspring and looking out for them, to make sure they want a happy, healthy intimate life with their future spouses, and kids of their own — and that they also recognize that, in high school, they’re mentally and physically not ready, and that all of this is okay.

We’re the first line of their defense. Let’s be proud of that responsibility.