Poser

The problem, if I were to boil it down to just one thing, is that I don't really care about any of this.

And by "this," I mean my job.

I don't care how to use Drupal.  I don't care what new SEO tricks are out there.  I don't care what Google does or doesn't do.  I don't care how much we pay per square foot for office space.  I don't care how much traffic our sites get or what the bounce rate is.  I don't care about anything other internet companies do or who used to or currently works for them.  I don't even care how much money we're supposed to make.

You can see how this would be something of a problem.

Were this my old position down south, this wouldn't be a problem.  I was a worker drone then, who only had to speak when spoken to and was only spoken to on rare occasions.  I could go to work, log my 8 hours, and go home.  I didn't have to interact at all if I didn't want to, with people or with the job.

I can't do that here.  My role has expanded and this office is smaller and now I'm expected to contribute something to conversations about things I have no interest in.

And it's not that I don't think knowing these things would be useful to me.  I'm sure I will learn more about SEO in the next two months than ever learned before.  I'm sure I will be a wiz at Drupal soon.  And I'm sure that knowing these things will only mean good things for my resume and for my future in this industry.  I just don't really care about my future in this industry, and I really don't see the point in any of it.

Not that I'm having an existential crisis here.  It's actually more of an Office Space crisis.  Say I make my sites better, the company makes more money, I get a promotion, and repeat.  I just don't know what the ultimate goal in that scenario is.  To quote every television show that's ever mocked actors, "what's my motivation?"

Part of this, I know, is lack of ownership.  Just like Nicole, I take a lot of pride in what I do, and in being someone that others rely on.  So far I haven't been in a position to accomplish much, so there's not a whole lot of pride going around.  If anything, all of my positive feelings about this job come from the fact that I have it, that I am making a significant contribution to our household.  I'm stepping up to the plate and being responsible, which is always a good feeling for me.

And that's generally enough to get me through most jobs.  But I find that my interactions here have put me in the unfortunate position where I have to be fake.  And I hate being fake.

Don't get me wrong, I'm entirely capable of being completely disingenuous, and I'm often times not even aware I'm doing it until after the fact.  I can quite literally get myself to believe my own BS to the point where I don't feel kind of dirty about being a poser.  But this is not one of those situations.  I know I'm pretending, even if I'm pretty sure no one else does.  And it gives me the creeps.

I'm sure a lot of this will change the longer I'm at this job.  Over time, I'll become responsible for more and more things, and each of my accomplishments will make me feel good about being here.  But there's always going to be a part of me that just doesn't care, and that part of me will always struggle in this environment.

On one hand, I suppose this all comes with having a passion like writing.  On the other hand, I suppose most people feel this way, but find ways of coping -- like having kids, for example.  And perhaps down the line that will make it better.  I'm pretty sure it will.

For now, I will, as they say, fake it until I make it, and hope that's enough.

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Published on October 27, 2011 14:24
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