I hope it's nice today. I want to write in the park.

A few days ago, I wrote downtown, which is a lovely part of this small city. I sat at one of those iron tables that are "for hotel guests only," which, of course, I wasn't. They didn't say anything to me, but I was prepared to feign ignorance if they had: "Huh? What? Oh, sorry." I wrote there for nearly an hour, trying to turn a narrative into a third person. I have mild, passing thoughts that my writing is perhaps too first-person-narrative heavy. It is, but sometimes it bugs me. Other times I'm like "Fuck it, that's how I write."

So I was there trying to do that, trying to make it third person. In other words, I was stripping it of all its immediacy and making it sound unnatural.

I got bored with that and went for a walk, smoking a pipe. I smoke these giant corncob pipes that are compensation for my miniscule cock. They're huge, based on the one smoked by General Douglas MacArthur. Check him out here. Mine are smaller than that, but still pretty big. They're even called 'the General'. They make them in Missouri. Out of corn. Fuck yeah.

Whenever I'm out walking among the peasants and smoking my giant corncob pipe, I get looks. The pipe is a rare way to consume tobacco these days, especially for someone who isn't a great-grandpa. People look at me as if I'm wearing a monocle or perhaps running late for a stagecoach. To tell you the truth, I wish I WAS wearing a monocle and running late for a stagecoach, a stagecoach that would happily take me the fuck away from the skinny white kid sitting in the car at the red light blasting hip hop and sucking on an energy drink.

People look at me, surprised, saying, "Look at that dude smoking a pipe! And he only has a few gray hairs in his beard!"

And I'm all, "Those are BLOND hairs!" and then burst into tears.

I've been smoking this stuff called Haunted Bookshop, which is really really good. Musty, spicy, earthy, just like I pretend to be. And, yes, I bought it because of the name.

By the way, I don't inhale. Tobacco is bad for you. I love the fragrance, though, and absorb sufficient nicotine through the membranes of my mouth.

I do hope it's nice today.