Very Married
My husband, Alan, and I are very married. In fact, in two days we will celebrate our 33rd anniversary.
I first laid eyes on Alan when I was 17 years old. It was the summer of 1981, and I was sitting in the back row of seats for an evening service at church. My cousin whispered to me out of the side of her mouth, “Gem, Gem, look over there.” Her eyes motioned to the right.
Evidently, we were there to check out guys. I know this because the next words out of her mouth were, “Look at that guy.” I leaned forward and saw the cutest guy I had ever seen in my life–tall, blond and blue-eyed. I looked back at my cousin and was like, “Wow.”
Of course, it took almost two more years before that guy decided to look my way. Whatever.
No one gets this far into a marriage without glorious highs and severe lows. And we have traversed it all…together.
Long time love is like that. You hang in there no matter what. And the payoff is tremendous. We have a relationship that is deep and refined, like the wine that is produced from grapes that have been dry farmed. We are reaping the harvest of allowing our roots to dig down deep and produce even during a drought.
As it turns out the cute guy across the aisle turned out to be much more than a pretty face. Even at my ripe old age of 19 I could see that he had the mantle of leadership on him. It is even more true today. He is a grower and a learner and he shares those qualities beautifully. And even better, his blue eyes still make my heart go pitter pat.
We see and know each other exactly as we are. Nothing is hidden. And we still choose to love each other, over and over and over again. That is long time love.
Every season of love has its beauty. A few years ago, I attended the wedding of a couple of young friends. The fresh bloom of new love was in the air. Nothing but future before them. Glorious.
Now, in our fifties, my husband and I find ourselves in the season of decades-old love. We read each other’s minds, finish each other’s sentences, and can sit together for long periods of time without saying anything. Glorious.
If any of you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you will know that Meredith and Derek first got married on a post-it. They wrote their vows and signed them. They later framed the post-it vows and hung them over their bed. When things got really hard they declared, “I call post-it!” It would harken them back to the promises they made to each other and they would choose to pull through whatever situation was before them.
Alan and I have continued to grow and change over the years and every single time the other person has had to learn some new dance steps. Sometimes you have to change your dancing shoes and other times you even have to change ballrooms…but the point is, you keep dancing.
I’m not saying Meredith and Derek are my model for the perfect marriage, but I do like what was on their post-it. Long time love happens when two people decide they are committed for life and for real–and they both work on it together.
Derek: (Writing on a square, blue post-it) What do we want to promise each other?
Meredith: That you’ll love me even when you hate me.
Derek: (Continues writing) To love each other even when we hate each other…No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens.
Meredith: No running.
Derek: What else?
Meredith: That we’ll take care of each other, even when we’re old and smelly and senile, and if I get Alzheimers and forget you…
Derek: I will remind you who I am every day…to take care when old, senile, smelly. This…is…forever. Sign?
Meredith: This is our wedding? A post it?
Derek: Mmhhhm. If you sign it.
[Meredith signs]: Now what?
Derek: Now I kiss the bride.
Meredith: Married.
Derek: Married.
So, my dear Alan, here’s to the first 33 years. As we aim at the next 33 years I promise to love you even when I hate you. I promise not to run. I promise to take care of you when you are old and smelly. I promise to remind you who I am every day. These two hearts…never apart.
NOTE: This post is meant to be a tribute to Alan, to our marriage and to long time love at its best. If you or anyone you know is in any kind of abusive relationship or marriage, it is not time to “hang in there and keep dancing.” Seek help and get to a safe place, both physically and emotionally.
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