Regret

Regret
It was the end of April and the first warm day of the year. Everyone was talking about the weather. A complete stranger plopped down beside me on the subway. “What a day,” he said, and I agreed. “Too nice to be working,” we both smiled. He was right, so I stopped at the park to appreciate the sunshine before returning home. Strange how little decisions can affect your life. If it wasn’t for that stranger.People were finishing off their lunch break when I arrived at the park, so I walked a bit before I found a bench in the sunshine. I watched the walkers and the riders flow by, appreciating the pageantry. People smiled when their eyes met. It was that kind of day; still I was surprised when someone stopped in front of me and blocked the sunshine. She was backlit, her face was in shadow but I could make out an expensive dress under an open suede coat and sensible sneakers.“Small world, Mike,” she said. The voice sounded familiar, and my heart fluttered in my chest. I tried to see her, but she moved sideways and the sunshine blinded me. When my eyes cleared, she was beside me.“Jessy,” I said while looking  around. “Is Danny with you?” I was half expecting Danny to pop up behind the bench and mess my hair, just like the good old days.“Danny is at home. I’m here alone. How are you doing, Mike? It’s been ages since we saw you.”“I know, twenty years at least, but Jessy you look just the same.”That smile I remembered so fondly blazed across her face. Jessy always liked to be complimented. That much hadn’t changed although I could see she had been marked by life. There were some lines around the eyes and at the corners of her mouth. Her hair was still that sun bleached blond, I and everyone else I suppose, was attracted to. She still looked damn good despite the passage of time. She took my hand in hers and looked me right in the eyes.“I was so sorry to hear about Jane. She was special. Nancy told me all about her. How are you coping?”“It was tough at first, but after two years I can cope. Sometimes I can go a week without thinking about it.” The last year of my wife’s life had been misery for both of us. The cancer came back with a vengeance and she withered away and there was nothing I could do to help. I didn’t want to think about that time.“How long are you here for?” I asked.“The conference starts tomorrow and runs until Friday. My flight home leaves Friday afternoon. We should do dinner.”“I would like that, but I’m leaving tomorrow on business myself. Does tonight work for you?”“It works for me. Why don’t we get a drink at my hotel?” She pointed towards buildings I could see above the trees. “It’s close and I’ll want to get cleaned up before dinner.”“I like that idea. I was just thinking how a cold glass of Riesling would complement this weather.”We stood. She linked an arm with mine and we strolled towards the street. People walking the other way smiled when they saw us. It could have been the weather making everyone happy. I thought it was us. I had always thought Jessy was special, ever since the first time I saw her. Danny had introduced us at the beginning of grade five. She was new to the school. I had been sick for the first three days of school and by the time I arrived Danny had her all wrapped up. I would never have interfered with their relationship. Danny was my closest friend. We met the first day of school and before Jessy entered the picture we had already taken a blood-brother oath. Jessy was with Danny. I never let on how I felt about her, but my friendship with Danny didn’t stop me from dreaming.Jessy told me about family. Danny’s parents were dead, but hers were still going strong. Their twins were both in college. Both wanted to be engineers like their parents. One was at Carnegie Mellon taking biomedical engineering and the other was at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. She said the name with reverence and I remembered she gone there.“Like her mother.”She smiled. “You remembered. Let’s make this stop light.” She took my hand and we hustled ourselves across the street. She kept my hand in hers as we walked up the sidewalk. I didn’t mind, although I hoped my hand wouldn’t start sweating. Pedestrian traffic was heavy so we didn’t speak again until we were seated at a booth in the hotel bar. I spent the time remembering. For the rest of elementary school and all of high school I waited for Danny and Jessy to break up. I dreamed up ways of helping it along and of comforting her after it happened, but they were just lust dreams. I never broke the blood bond Danny and I shared despite how intoxicating being close to Jessy was. I wept the day I left for college. They both hugged me and I felt like I was being torn apart. I never was sure if the crying was from pain or relief. Jessy said something to me, but the bar was too noisy to hear.“What,” I called back.She started to say something, but a boisterous commotion at the next table made her stop. She stood, came to my side of the booth and slid across the leather seat until our shoulders touched.“Noisy place,” she said. “I was remembering that really hot summer when we climbed into the Dugan’s back yard and swam in their pool. We looked so funny going home because our wet underwear was soaking through our clothes.  Some guy made a comment about me and you hit him.”“I remember,” I said. “My hand ached for a week.”“I called you my ‘knight protector’ after that.”“For a little while.”“Right. You didn’t like it, so I stopped. Then we all went off to college. I think that was the last time we saw you. Do you remember the day you left?”“Vaguely,” I lied.“I remember it. I have always remembered that last hug, the three of us all together and you holding us for so long. Danny commented on it. I never understood what happened after that. I always thought we would be close friends for ever, but you didn’t even attend our wedding.”“I was in the Marines then, and couldn’t get a pass.”“We gave everyone plenty of notice about the wedding. I sent invitations out six months before. You could have attended our wedding and then enlisted after instead of a month before.”“I had made up my mind. It was time to do it.”“You not coming to the wedding hurt him. He has never forgiven you.”“I’m sorry,” and I was. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause Danny or you pain.”There was another outburst from a crowded table. Jenny scowled at the men involved. “It’s too noisy here. I have a bottle of Grey Goose in my room. You can have a drink while I clean up and then we can find a quiet place for dinner—away from the convention crowd.We didn’t talk in the elevator. I was remembering that last hug and why I didn’t go to their wedding. I would sooner have died in Afghanistan than hurt Danny, and back in those days I couldn’t trust myself around Jenny anymore. That last hug had almost undone my resolve.Jenny led us to her room and let us in. “Get comfortable and pour me a drink as well. I won’t be long,” she said before she disappeared into the bathroom.There was a slight tremor in my hand as I poured the drinks. I took a deep breath and told myself to relax. You have known Jenny for over thirty years. You loved your wife and the life you made together. Even if you have stayed away from Danny for twenty years, he is still a blood brother.I was staring out the window when I heard Jenny exit the bathroom. She came and stood beside me, wrapped in a hotel bath robe. Her hair was wet and hanging down her back. She looked scrubbed and vibrant, pulsing with life.“You were in love with me back then, weren’t you?” she asked. I didn’t answer. She stepped closer and lifted a hand to the back of my neck. “You still are.” I stepped back. She stepped forward.Either way I’m going to regret this, I thought.The End© Dave Skinner 2018