Life: Recalculating

The goal is not to avoid the fear, the goal is to become braver.This line comes back to me again and again.I recently went on a date. I would say the first one in nearly five years but in truth, it was more like the first one in twenty years. I didn’t see it coming. I met someone through work and the conversation was good, easy. The next day, he asked me if I’d like to spend the day with him. And I’ll admit, I had no time to overthink it or worry, I just decided to go.A tender moment occurred with my dad, whom I was staying with, as I waited for my date to show up. I realized I hadn’t been living with him during the years I began to date as a teen and said jokingly that things had come full circle now, that he could send me off at 45. He gave me a hug and said, “I won’t wait up.”Our family doesn’t do mushy stuff so this was sweetly out of the box for us.The day was incredibly fun. I was given two choices: a glitzy evening in the city or an outdoor exploration outside of it. I chose ‘B’ and despite being rained on, had one of the happiest days I can remember. The pub was relaxed and warm, the woods were beautiful, the banter was spot on and funny. I felt totally uninhibited. I felt like I could tick a serious life box for having gone. We all have moments, days, hours that stay happily immersed in memory. This was one of them.A light was on in the house when I came home and my dad called to me to come to his room and tell him everything. So I did. Then I texted a dear friend who asked for pics and in a non-sappy way, celebrated the fact that I had gone, having been through it herself many years ago.As scheduled, the next morning, I flew home; crossing the entire vast expanse that is Canada. Mental headlines read: “Cat lady goes on date!” (Crowd goes wild). But the distance proved to be more complex than I anticipated. I had comfortably returned to feelings of safety and familiarity but troubled thoughts began to play on my fears.The following week, settled in the security of my normal routine, a tsunami began to rage internally. Every ‘fight or flight’ scenario plagued me. I waged war on the happy memory of that Friday afternoon. I had been foolish, I told myself, spending hours with someone I knew so little. I wondered why he had been so kind, what his motives were, what he was hiding. I wondered if he would message me and when he did, I read into the words like I was a criminal investigator looking for a violent past, a police record or a history of unkindness.I berated myself internally for the “wasted” years of counselling, yoga, mindfulness, meditation and spiritual seeking that had, obviously, taught me absolutely nothing. I was struggling. “Wise people don’t struggle”, I told myself, ‘they have tools.’ I was just obtuse and unable to learn from past experience. I ate very little. I slept very little. I tried to calm the storm with long walks, good music and watercolouring.I am a solitary person. And yet, in the midst of this, without divulging anything, a handful of dear people called me, checked in, asked how things were and said they were thinking of me. My grown daughter who was home for a visit, listened patiently, sighing often with, “Oh, Mum”, whereas my grown son said, “If I were this guy, I’d be running in the opposite direction.” Points for honesty.I returned to the work of Brené Brown, vulnerability/shame expert and researcher who says:“You can’t get to Courage without walking through Vulnerability.”This post is for anyone out there trying to conquer a fear.Fill in the blank for whatever is going on in your life: illness, financial ruin, starting over, re-learning to trust or betrayal.Know that we’re all fighting the same battle in one way or another. It takes courage.If I had been sitting with someone as they told me this story, I would have reassured them. I would’ve told them there was not one red flag, simply a life lived and a reaction to that life. I am working to afford myself the same courtesy. It brought to mind a fantastic Jeep ad I saw recently before a movie.The narrator is a gps. Every time the people in it make a new life choice, it calmly states “Recalculating.” Whatever we’re dealing with, in any stage of life, we’re constantly Recalculating.Forget You Have Arrived.You don’t just get overlife events.You don’t Arrive at a destination and never move from that spot.You Recalculate. One day at a time, knowing you become that much braver every time you do because "...whatever your destination, there are a million, beautiful, ever-changing ways to get there."