Why as a parent I said yes, to watching & reading 13 Reasons Why.

I’m sure I’ll get some hateful opinions on this because hate is everywhere. This post is going to be long but if you’re any kind of advocate for mental health and suicide awareness, I hope you’ll read it all the way through.

I don’t normally read young adult books, so I didn’t even realize this show was based off a book. Not because young adult books are bad but because they just aren’t my favorite genre. As I was scrolling through Netflix the other night I came across 13 Reasons Why. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when this series came out last year, I read a lot about it. I mostly read negatives and I took them at face value that the series and book must not have been done well. I don’t want to be that ‘jumping on the why things are wrong without having experienced it’ bandwagon so, I bought the book, read it in a couple hours and literally binge-watched the first season on Netflix yesterday (yes, twelve hours of TV). Last year I was wrong to jump to a conclusion before experiencing the book and show myself, but I was also right in a few different ways. Let me start out with a bit about myself and my experience with some of the hard topics this book and series deals with.

I’ll be forty in a few weeks. My kids are ages 20, nearly 19, and 14. My house is full of depression, so I’ve got a lot of experience with being woken up in the middle of the night and talking someone down off the cliff they’re nearing the edge of. I’ve had a child confess they had contemplated suicide. I’ve personally dealt with a friend committing suicide when we were in high school, it was my first experience with death. I’ve worked in a huge ER that had dozens of people daily, checking themselves in for suicidal thoughts, or attempts. I’m anti-suicide, pro-mental health care. I actually considered doing this post via video but I feel so strongly about all this I’m not sure I’d make it through without my emotions getting the best of me.

Now before you jump on your high horse and race to leave me a nasty comment about why this show and book are trash, take a second to realize that the attitude that comes with that, is the exact attitude that this show fights. The ‘me first’ or the ‘I’m right’ attitude is the same attitude that clouds our judgment from ever seeing a different opinion. I know not everyone will agree with me, and that’s OK. These are my thoughts, and my feelings, based on my experiences on my own blog. I’m allowed to have an opinion that might be different than yours and I’m allowed to voice it in an educated, non-judgemental way. I can’t say I’ve suffered from depression myself, not more so than the regular once in a while ‘my life sucks’. But, I’ve experienced depression at it’s worse from every other angle and I feel like I’ve got enough understanding of both sides to write this post.

I’m going to break this down into the good and the bad of this Netflix series (and how it differed from the book). I’m more than willing to have a discussion in the comments below, but please spare negativity or holier than thou comments. Be a courteous and caring adult.

The Good (or maybe, the ‘realistic’) :

– High School drinking, parties, sex, backstabbing, and bullying.

How is this good I hear you ask? Well, those things are uncomfortable to watch and they should be. Unfortunately, all those things actually happen not only in high school, but in college, and in life. This show depicted the high school I knew 20+ years ago and the high schools I know now. If you’re offended that they had these rough topics in a teen show, you need to pull your head from Lalaland, my friend. This shit happens. And it happens a lot more than you might like to believe. Even the so-called ‘good kids’ participate sometimes. This topic was done well in both the book and the series. It made me uncomfortable and reminded me of high school.

–Emotions, in particular, high school emotions.

This was done well, in both the book and the series. These kids had teenage responses to serious situations. When you’re in high school there is the over emotional tendency. Not because these kids are drama queens or vying for attention (obviously, some do) but because they are new at life and they’re figuring out how to deal with hard things. When you’re in high school, for the most part, you’re worried about your high school self. You’re consumed in the problems happening right then and how they affect your right then high school life. For the most part, you aren’t thinking of your life in ten or twenty years. You’re not realizing that high school is a minimal part of your life. At that moment it is your entire life. But I promise you, once you’re out of high school, you’ll probably not look back and wish you’d chosen a permanent solution (like suicide)for a very temporary problem. I know in the moment some of the things you’ll go through in high school will seem like a huge deal, the worst days ever, but they will pass. Most of those things you won’t even remember later in life.

I lost a friend in high school to suicide and that did stick with me. She wasn’t my best friend, and really we were only close for the first few months she moved to our school. I probably don’t know all the reasons she did what she did, I’ve heard why but I’ll never really know. Her death was my first experience with death. It changed me and instilled something in me that made me have these hard conversations with my own kids, starting when they were old enough to understand. It heightened my suicide and depression awareness senses (sometime to the point of unhealthy). Her decision was a snap judgment, that I’m sure she’d never have made later in life. Ever. It was her sixteen-year-old self probably being overly dramatic about something she’d look back at as a small thing had she made it past it. It wasn’t worth it then and I’m sure it wouldn’t have even crossed her mind now if she looked back at her reasoning. I did a lot of stupid shit in high school. I lost friends, I went to parties and made bad decisions, but I grew up after. She didn’t let herself have that chance. I’m not that same person I was in high school and you won’t be either. I feel like that last sentence should have been portrayed better than it was in the show. Kids need to see that high school is really only important in high school. It’s 4 years of your life, and the rest you won’t spend in the same mindset.

-The Suicide Ripple.

This can be a real thing and people need to know that. Not a wanted thing, but there will always be someone around you who isn’t doing well mentally and this will trigger them. Having a suicide happen around them, can make them contemplate, or even do, the same thing. They did depict this in the show well (not in the book) and they did warnings before each show and at the beginning of the series.  Emotions were high, and many times it was mentioned that others were considering or hinting at, suicide. In fact, I think it will be even more prevalent in the second season.

As a teen, when my friend committed suicide, I admit, for a split second I thought maybe she was onto something. Something to avoid the pain in life. But, that thought quickly fled. For some though, it doesn’t, it stews and becomes a part of them. So in this aspect, this part will also be a part of the negative.

-Suicide Awareness and Support.

Suicide awareness and suicidal support are two VERY different things. It’s one thing to make people aware of the signs of someone who is suicidal (which is what the school was doing in the show). It’s a whole other thing to really support someone who is showing signs in a way that can help them (this was NOT done well in the show or book). You can’t have awareness, without proper support, unfortunately, that’s what so many of our schools do.

The Bad (or maybe, the ‘taking it too far or not taking it far enough’):

-Rape & Sexual Assault.

This was graphic (it wasn’t graphic in the book), and I’m not sure that was necessarily needed to get the point across. But, it made viewers uncomfortable, which it should. And for those who think forcing someone to have sex is ok or that groping or even touching someone without their permission is no big deal, I hope it made you rethink that attitude. It was put in the series and even in the book to make you uncomfortable. No one wants to see it, no one wants it to happen to them, but turning a blind eye to things that make you uncomfortable doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t mean you’ll never experience it yourself or through someone you love. We live in a rape and sexual assault culture and until us as parents, have the balls to truly talk about this very uncomfortable yet very serious problem with our children, that culture will never change.

-Suicide.

Yes, suicide is a bad thing. It’s only a way out for the person committing. After that, your problems, are now your families heartbreak. A heartbreak that never heals. Ever. I think them actually visually showing Hannah’s suicide took it a bit too far. It wasn’t needed to drive the point home. It wasn’t needed because the show isn’t technically about Hannah’s act of suicide. It was about the ripple effect suicide has on those around you. It’s about the fact that every single thing you say in life, can silently affect someone else in both positive and negative ways. I know we live in a ‘me first’ world, but this show is actually uncomfortable because it brings that me first attitude to the surface. Every single character, has a me first problem. They were more concerned about how others would see them, than about how their actions could affect the people around them.

-Hannah.

I wanted to like Hannah, and in parts of the book & series, I did. I saw a lot of typical young high school girls in Hannah. The self doubt, the wanting to fit in, trying to find where she belongs, she had all that. But, Hannah didn’t really talk to people about anything she was truly feeling. She pushed people away, while blaming them. She gave up speaking for herself at times. She said things in riddles, vaguely at that, and she expected her so-called friends and family to just figure things out. That won’t happen in our ‘me first’ society, ever.

There was a line in the series at the end where Hannah says ‘I think I made myself very clear’. No, Hannah, you didn’t. And the scriptwriters need to see this flaw. Hannah NEVER told anyone she was considering suicide. The word NEVER came out of her mouth. She never told anyone she was considering hurting herself. In fact, when the counselor asked her at one point if she was considering harming herself, SHE SAID NO. She said in the anonymous note that she thought things would be easier if she didn’t feel. She told Zach in the note she wrote him how hard her life was but she didn’t tell him she was considering suicide. The very few things that proved she was indeed considering death as an out, were the things she didn’t claim (the anonymous note, the poem…) That’s being vague and is something I’ve heard many times over the years from people in general.

I read somewhere that people think this show Glamorizes suicide. There was nothing glamorous about Hannah’s story. It was heartbreaking, as were the stories of her friends. The only ‘glamour’ here is the fact that it’s on TV. This is a hard show to watch and a hard book to read. But, it deals with real-life problems that are all too often swept under the rug. Problems that are too uncomfortable to get involved in. Problems that are hard to read at times.

I’ve worked in a high traffic ER with a LOT of attempted and contemplating suicide patients and one thing I know is that people can’t help you if you don’t say what you need help with. When people checked into this particular ER for mental health reasons, in order to be admitted, like they were asking, we needed to hear it, ‘I’m thinking of harming myself’, ‘Im suicidal’… we needed those words. Not a riddle of emotions. There is NO shame in asking for help. I promise you that. If you can’t find someone to help, go to the ER and they will help you. You won’t be the first, I promise. There IS help out there if you ask. But not everyone will see the signs. Why? Because we’re ALL going through something. Each and every one of us is fighting a battle that no one else sees. Please, if you need help, ask for it, but don’t speak in riddles and then make a decision based on the reactions (or lack of) that you get. Once you say the words, suicide, self-harm, people will step forward to help. SOMEONE will.

-Revenge.

I didn’t actually see ‘revenge’ as much in the book. It was in the show (obviously to create more drama because it’s a fictional show) I did see Hannah desperately trying to make a point that words, actions, rumors, and lies, can ruin someone, even kill. And unfortunately, that is true and the same words can cause a different effect in every individual because we’re all going through something different. However, if someone didn’t ‘get’ you in life, if they didn’t see what their actions were affecting, they likely won’t see it when you’re gone either. There is no ‘suicide revenge’. Suicide is not a joke, it’s not a payback, and it will guaranteed, hurt the ones you actually love and who actually love you the most. The ones who showed you who they really were by hurting you, you’ll never pay them back by committing suicide. They will probably always live in the ‘me first’ world until their own life is somehow affected.

-The Suicide Ripple.

I mentioned this in the positives, not because it’s a good thing but because the show included this well. However, this is a show/book/topic, that can trigger people who are already struggling. That doesn’t make it a bad show or book. If you can’t watch or read it, please don’t. However, I think there are people out there who needed to see this show or read this book. It’s a topic, a variety of topics really, that is so hush hush, that some parents NEVER speak to their children about it. Some schools avoid the topics like the plague. Some people will blame the victims instead of the bullies. Something has to change, and unless we get these topics out there, even as uncomfortable as they are, change will never happen.

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In closing, I just want to say that I get that this show/book isn’t for everyone. I understand how uncomfortable it is. But these things do exist. These topics do need to be talked about with our children. We do need to be willing to step up and help when someone asks, no matter how uncomfortable that makes you. Know the signs, and if you see them, DO SOMETHING. Also, if you are in need of someone to listen, there is help. Please don’t be afraid to ask for that help. You’d be surprised how many good people will step up and help you battle whatever you’re struggling with. Parents, be involved and TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. Not only about the topics above but about being kind and being aware that everyone is going through something. Kindness can go a long way, and save someone you might not even know.

If you are depressed, please know that you can reach out for help. If you’re feeling like life isn’t worth it, there is help out there. Please don’t suffer alone. I support these amazing organizations and hope they can bring you some comfort if you or someone you know is struggling with life.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline – https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – find them on twitter @800273TALK

To Write Love On Her Arms – https://twloha.com/ – find them on twitter @twloha

13 Reasons Why – https://13reasonswhy.info/