I HATE MY FAT, I WANT TO GO BACK TO THINNER ME

I see you -hiding inside -under so many layers of fat, carefully placed and misplacedInside and outside, you gain and lose in a cycle of fat to thin againI try to see it is me but I see someone else, she’s not me. That woman I see in the mirror, I deny she’s me. I want to stop eating, makes my life so complicated because everything seems to be about food while life becomes more sedentary against my willI don’t know what to do, so many theories about emotionsI want to walk more but my feet hurt, sometimes my hips ache, time chimesReflects my image in a mirror, Caught in a web of suspense to see who I am today cause everyday when I awake I’m a new becoming meBetrayed by my shell, I hide as much of me as I can inside armorKeep crying help, keep on trucking doing what I doMy system runs amuck and a thunder – I wish I could control my mindI’m addicted to food – hard to forego foodEat falafel - fills me up so much, eat Baba -Ghanoush loaded on tons of salad, seems to not matter – no matter what I consume … I can’t say, no excusesDigesting food takes up too much time – I feel like I’m part of organized crime defending sublimeGive me water, honey and lemon- I promise I’ll still surviveI question me– why am I doing this to myselfYet I hide myself watching me, I see myself from the outsideCreep out from the insideI yell free me so I can move with the flowI creep back inside to hide me from myself you know where I’m going with thisFrom humiliation and aspirations all combined, tied with a big purple bowPut in front of you I am me in front of me I see me and become afraid Of who I am that I made me who I am to you I am you in a wounded knee I see who we are Who – attempt to reject self loathingI am me, wounded, beneath who you areHide in plain sight in an underground version of myselfI ride deep waves within myself, diving deeper I fear I’m forever lostWho is the self I claim to be trapped inside me waiting for a way outside myselfNo escape, like a trapped bull in china of life trying to escape from myself Caught in an endless loops of myrioscope kaleidoscope colorEndless blues persist as I judge who I amI see a violet sky inside meExploding in years of painAbstaining from gain I constrain myselfI’m a bloodstain of pain from which I cameI hide from myself and ask how did I ever withstand myselfCaught on a continental shelf I conspire to divide myself, prove myself, I will be a band of oneself to expand and assert myself, I will be a prayer of despair More morbid in bewareNothing works that worked beforeNow I hear all in my headIf I eat properly and see myself thin I will be – really?Compare healthcare Impaired, play side chair in the affair, arise out of nowhere, I exist, I am somewhere, here to defendI am sightseer in my own life, like a replay game in surround sound, can’t understand fear is …So lonely inside, longing for love, I seek, I cry, worth the weight, FATE of my soul, I inquire, FIRE up insightsGET TO BE SEE THE REAL ME