The Fiver | Spinning off into hyperspace in flames

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The Fiver, five-star to the very core of its being, spends more time than is technically necessary on TripAdvisor, leaving ill-tempered, hot-faced, disproportionate reviews of hotels in the wake of stays deemed unsatisfactory to our exacting standards. Perhaps there had been a long queue at check-in. Maybe the complimentary toiletries were not produced using natural oils and perfumes by an artisan apothecary. Or perhaps the minibar was all out of fun-size bottles of Fistfight, the 73.8% ABV turps-flavoured reality suppressor that can just about be soaked up in the morning by a pyramid of half-cooked hash browns so you can get back on the road having finally finished your crying.

Related: Southampton make Twitter dig at Swansea hotel that cancelled their stay

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